Cutting the co-dependent umbilical cord...

Posted on August 09, 2021 by Sonia Elhaj, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

​I had some rocks left unturned for a while. A lot of stuff was festering underneath… Suddenly, there was a pressing need inside me for a real shift and within one or two weeks I had let go of:

A relationship with an old coach.

Two WhatsApp groups.

A friendship.

Let me tell you quickly about the first relationship. This old coach of mine had asked for a testimonial in return for specific favors and she broke her promises to me. She did not honor her part of the energy exchange. I had a few eventful years after that, and only stumbled on that testimonial again recently, noticed a serious problem with it and so I decided to get in touch. After talking to a couple of this coach’s assistants, and digging a little deeper, I found out that some text was added to my testimonial that I hadn’t even written myself. I asked for that addition and an older video to be removed as well because at this point, trust was broken. Understandably ashamed, they ‘decided’ to let ‘me’ go instead and remove all the materials that mentioned my name and that tied me to them. That was the best blessing. I felt so free, clean and relieved after that co-dependent umbilical cord was cut. Let’s go into this in more depth.

I am someone who doesn’t thrive in co-dependent relationships: This is the type of transactional relationship based on the principle of: I serve you. You serve me. The real focus here is on ‘me’ always – even when actions and words are packaged in a way that tries to prove ME right and that tries to keep ME in control and show ME as the ‘bigger person’. It is not about honoring the other person’s feelings and needs, nor about serving a greater bond nor a sense of connection, community or sisterhood [all healthy feminine traits].

What are some of the thought processes in a co-dependent mind?

1. You do this for me, I do that for you; it’s a constant tennis match of obligation (tit for tat – there is poor authenticity to our acts of kindness/love towards each other)

2. You disagree with me; I don’t like you anymore (you have to be a mere projection of my thoughts and beliefs)

3. If you are not available emotionally, financially, or mentally for me, then you are a bad person (I don’t have a healthy sense of boundaries – I don’t know how to give and receive – instead I manipulate, coax and trick you into getting what I want)

4. I pick on you or belittle you and you need to accept that it is “a joke” and that you are “too sensitive” (I downplay you to feel good and feed my own ego)

5. It is us staying together in our comfort zone and rejecting any other perspective (us against the entire world – the world is our enemy and we are victims)

6. When you have needs and you ask for your feelings to be heard, I may attack you, gaslight you, and try to bring the attention back on me (you are a tool – not a whole person to me)

7. Our relationship is about proving others wrong, unfair and inferior so when you try to grow and evolve (I manipulate you and guilt you into staying small)

8. I act the part of the “I’m always available to you” and I will make sure I “win” at this game of “who is better and who gives more than the other” (This is a pattern of trapping the other person into ‘owing’ you and being ‘enslaved’ in the relationship. This may also be the initial love-bombing stage that is typical to narcissistic personalities)

What energy do these thought processes create within your relationship and life in general?

Codependency creates a single-perspective, contracted, and toxic world of obligation, guilt, disappointment, scarcity, fatigue, limitation, urgency, competition, and burnout.

Not enjoyable. Is it?

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How does this affect you?

Your love, happiness, and self-worth come from that person and from other people/factors outside of you and outside of your control.
You need constant validation: “Am I right? Am I crazy for wanting this? They are so nasty to me! They are unfair, but I can’t get myself to detach from them…”
You are always demanding that other people do things that YOU should be doing for yourself!
You feel constantly disappointed by yourself and by others.
You feel easily rejected and abandoned by others.
You are very resistant to your own emotions and analyze/judge/assess everything (you are stuck in your brain)
You feel constantly triggered – you become reactive and it is exhausting!!

The BIG PROBLEM here is that you do not respect the individual you are involved with. You do not respect their feelings, desires, differences, their needs, nor their journey… You make assumptions about them and you do not truly listen to them. You allow your fears of growth and change to grab on to them and deprive them of seeing another perspective, from thriving.

Because co-dependence is a toxic pattern of relating, we end up in either the wounded feminine (I am helpless, poor me, I need you to validate me and do things for me) or the wounded masculine (you can’t do this on your own, you’re weak, people will take advantage of you, you’re wrong, you should/shouldn’t do this, let me do it for you, I need to teach you…etc.)

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So how do co-dependent individuals relate and act?

Co-dependent individuals try to adopt different persona because they are afraid of truly feeling and being vulnerable to each other and open about their needs and most importantly, they are caught and stuck in an invisible contract stipulating that you can NEVER SAY NO to this person…

So, we adopt different roles with our friends instead: we become their coach, therapist, parent, teacher, manager, servant, driver, baby-sitter, secretary, personal assistant, copy-writer, cook …etc. We have zero or poor boundaries; we pick up the phone at any time, call anytime, stay on the phone for hours, run to their house as soon as they have a crisis, we go into burnout because we want to PLEASE and end up being overworked and overgiving and caught into the endless vicious circle of resentment.

The thing is: no one is happy in this situation. We still feel disappointed and resentful because we are not MEETING OUR OWN NEEDS.

What is the answer? It is surprisingly simple.

The answer is to develop and re-balance your healthy feminine energy and your healthy masculine energy.

Where in your life do you tend to be co-dependent? With your husband? Your friend? Someone else? I can train you to rebalance your relationships by using my simple and fun FEMININE FORMULA.

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What would your life feel like if you never felt resentful – ever again?

What would your life feel like without the constant pull and push of co-dependence?

What would your life feel like with friendships that are loving, giving, and respectful – without the guilting, blame and shaming?

What would it feel like to be free in your relationships?

By the way, as soon as I let go of those things I mention at the beginning of this article, new ideas, opportunities, business collaborations and new friendships show up unexpectedly in my life… It is just like magic.

I want the same magic for you!

Sonia