Energy Exchange and Co-dependent Giving ...

Posted on August 06, 2021 by Sonia Elhaj, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I wanted to talk to you about this topic for a while and now is the time. The topic is: Energy Exchange.

Many of us women have adopted this concept and appreciate it because it allows us to develop and grow a sense of sisterhood, community, and support amongst us. The problem is that many of us have been going the wrong way about it, and instead of honoring those feminine values of community and sisterhood, we fall into the co-dependent trap of comparing, blaming, overgiving, undervaluing ourselves, and ultimately building the very toxic energy of resentment!! We may also attract narcissists and energy leeches and end up drained. I know so many who actually quit their businesses and gave up on their dreams because of this.

Now let me define this term briefly so that we are on the same page. What is an Energy Exchange? This is defined as the transfer or exchange of energy from one body or system to another. What I am specifically talking about is the exchange of services or [overly] discounted services between two individuals as a form of payment. [Disclaimer: I am not talking about promotional discounts and offers done as a form of organized marketing and sales]

Here is an example: you write someone’s CV in exchange for them shooting your professional headshots. Here is another example: you bake an elaborate birthday cake in exchange for someone applying your professional make-up for a wedding.

Have you ever done this with a girlfriend? How did it go?

I am not saying that I never do this. I have and I do it currently but only occasionally. Let me tell you what happens often with these types of energy exchanges when they become an expectation between friends. And I am talking from both experiences and also building on several interactions with many of my clients and community members over the years.

So here are the problems that I have seen develop with energy exchanges when we start relying on this ‘faulty system’ for all of our relationships and transactions:

1. Low self-worth: We may start undervaluing ourselves and our work by not charging money for the service we provide although we have paid actual money for that training and education!

2. Co-dependency: We function from the belief that “I need to ‘use’ someone else” and “be used” for what I want in life, instead of ‘investing’ in myself and in my life! This belief starts reflecting itself in every area of your life including your relationship with men…

3. Co-dependency [encore]: We start expecting others to also give us free or cheap services and we get resentful, envious and triggered when people charge normal or high fees for their work… (wounded feminine)

4. Low confidence: We get stuck in the limiting space of: “I can’t get clients / people will not pay me / I am not good enough / my service, my work is not worth that much” so it is better to give my energy, time and effort for free or discount it massively…

5. Fixed mindset: this is the sum of the limiting beliefs we may have developed since childhood and it’s the opposite of “growth mindset” – by not charging money for what your work is worth, by not asking and fighting for that raise or promotion, by not getting your needs heard and met as a valuable member of the group, you encourage the world to keep you unseen, unheard and marginalized. This fixed mindset also contributes to creating a world of scarcity for you and for others!

6. The money narrative: What is your narrative around money? What was it like when you were growing up? Did you always feel like there wasn’t enough? Were you made to believe that there is never enough? It is those very beliefs that are creating shame around ‘asking for a money payment’! Please start flipping this fear-based relationship with money – money is a naturally flowing river; there will always be more than enough to go around :)

7. Self-sabotage: By not valuing our time, the years of experience, study, training, and effort we put into the work we do, we keep ourselves small and deprive ourselves of so many growth opportunities! While we do not evolve, we are also doing others a disservice by allowing them to pull us down from our growth bridge to the swamp of co-dependency and low self-esteem where it is very difficult to fully embrace our self-worth and express it into the world.

This is for you business owners, working women, and stay-at-home moms who want to receive more money and have more independence – why is it so normal and easy for a shopkeeper to ask you for payment at the end of your shopping experience? Why do assume that it is different for solopreneurs, small business owners, and service providers? Do you really think that we are able to pay bills with" an energy exchange"??

Think about it…. and now consider these reflection questions:

Do you keep attracting clients, jobs, and relationships, where you do not feel valued?

Do you have trouble asking to be paid money for your service?

Are you working too hard for nothing?

Are you resenting this?

Yes? Then, it is high time you start doing this (and this a chain-reaction by the way): 1. change the narrative playing in your head, 2. value the work you do and charge accordingly, and 3. only allow personal and business relationships (friends and clients) who match your new vibrational energy of abundance :)

You are deserving.

Sonia