Are you an empath? Do you know how to stop yourself from carrying too much?

Posted on July 14, 2021 by Tara Van Dam, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I am an empath. After years of wondering why things seem to affect me way more than they do others, I discovered this word. Empath. It now all makes sense.

I grew up in an environment where my emotions were criticized and tossed aside, while at the same time having a significant person in my life who needed a lot of emotional care. The combination of this lead me to feel a lot for others, carrying their hurt, and then judging the emotions I have in response.

If you too are an empath, you know it is not an easy experience of life. So many things hurt. I have memories of sobbing when a fish was caught in front of me. Onlookers may have thought me silly, childish, and dramatic. But to me, I felt actual pain. My body ached, my heart contracted, and my sadness was incredibly real.

Since learning this fact about myself, there are 2 things I have had to work on.

The first is to understand that I need to deliberately choose not to pick up someone else’s pain. This may very well mean turning the TV off when there is devastating news. It may mean forcing myself not to think about something.

The second is to remind myself constantly that by doing this, it does not mean that I am lacking in compassion or choosing to ignore the hurts in the world. Instead, protecting myself is absolutely crucial if I am going to have any strength and composure to be of service to others.

Debilitating sadness is not constructive. It does not get things done. Instead, it tears us down and leaves us feeling helpless and defeated.

I had a recent experience which gave me enormous pride and showed me just how far I have come on this journey.

We had a big family dinner when I was back in South Africa recently, which was of course accompanied by wine. As family dinners go, the conversation naturally ventured into sticky areas – subjects where everyone had a context of their own, a past hurt, and an opinion.

As I sat there at the table, I could feel myself trying to understand what each person there might be feeling in response to the things that were being said. I was wondering about the sadness or anger that was being triggered, the possible thoughts that might have been occurring, reading into body language, tone, and all unspokens.

Now I wouldn’t dare to be so arrogant as to assume that my assessments of everyone were correct, but still, I tried to empathize with everyone there. Through doing this, what I became aware of was that with each empathy I was offering another, I was also picking up and carrying little bits of their hurt, anger, sadness, etc. I was allowing everyone else’s possible pain become my burden to carry.

In a previous season, I would have assumed that everyone else was doing the same thing; that this was just how we feel during these kinds of social interactions. However this night, I began to think that this might not be the case. Everyone else may simply be talking, feeling their own reactions, and leaving it at that. I might be the only one that is getting to weighed down.

When I realized all this, I politely excused myself and went to bed.

This may seem like a small and insignificant action, but you have got to understand: I have NEVER done this before. In the past, I would have stuck it out, picking up more and more and more of everyone else’s pain, probably starting defending others, putting myself more and more in the line of fire. In the end, I would have left the evening feeling utterly devastated and carried that hurt and the conversations attached to it for far longer than necessary.

Instead, I went to bed, watched Modern Family on my iPad, and allowed my poor heart to choose when to stop carrying other’s pain.

The next day I know I woke up feeling far lighter than I would have, which gave me the rational and compassionate ability to truly be there for my loved ones in the way that I authentically want to be.

Ask yourself, how does me carrying the pain of others provide me with the tools I need to be of service?

Choosing to protect your heart and turn away from pain does not mean that you are lacking in compassion or are choosing to stay ignorant. No. It is giving yourself the opportunity to choose how to act from a place of certainty, confidence, authenticity, and purpose. Choosing not to feel so deeply that it wounds you does not mean that you are also choosing not to act and make a difference.

So, how can you turn your beautiful gift of being able to connect to the pain of others into a constructive energy that can bring about change?

Being an empath can be a real privilege.

With joy,

Tara