What’s a powerful question if I want to be a great listener?
Posted on May 17, 2021 by Medha Johnson, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.
What steps could you take if you want to improve your listening skills?
And then? Perhaps two of the most powerful words in a Coach’s toolbox. They are incredibly powerful for a reason, and that reason is they ask you to share more. Most of us, at least the most of us that I have encountered, are trained in the quick ask, kind of listen and then move onto whatever it is we are going to say next. We don’t take the time to stop and really listen when someone is talking to us. Many of us are uncomfortable in conversations that are sensitive, vulnerable, or perhaps leading to a confrontational direction. We are quick to defuse, defend or just gloss over what someone has just said to you.
But what happens if you use this simple but powerful tool and pause, and ask AND THEN? Then, wait, wait, wait until the person responds. Yes, this gets uncomfortable, in general, we don’t like silence, but this isn’t about you at this moment. It’s about creating the space for a response. Imagine the depth of trust and clarity you are inviting when you truly listen to someone. This is not an invitation to give advice, it is an invitation to truly support this person as they work their way through the topic. It acknowledges that you truly see them, hear them, and care about where they are going in this moment.
This simple question allows you to support your conversation partner while they figure out where they are in the picture, where this conversation is in relation to the broader situation and gives it space to be. A space where you don’t have to react, respond, judge, or choose anything but the act of undivided listening. Imagine what your dinner table conversation might become if you ask And Then, when your spouse or child shares something from their day. You might not have to play the 20 questions game!
As a coach, I know that the act of asking brings 3 key ingredients to my client and their exploration. The first is it is an acknowledgment that I see the circumstances they are in right now. It gives us space to really explore what it is and does it matter and if so, why. The second aspect is the ability to see what they are facing within those circumstances. And, the ability to help them look beyond the immediate. And lastly, with this information, now what? What actions are open to you, what is your next step?
I share this today to invite you into the chance to practice a deeper listening to the people in your life. Imagine what can come from creating such a supportive listening practice. I would love to hear from you about what happened when you practiced the AND SO, at least three times in an important conversation. What did you learn?
