Five Steps to Engage Conflict Mindfully
Posted on May 03, 2021 by Tom Reilly, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Taking a pause from the conflict, even for a moment, to objectively assess your thoughts and feelings can give you the perspective you need.
Five Steps to Engage Conflict Mindfully
For many people the word “mindfulness” is like the movie Inception: they like the concept but they aren’t exactly sure what it means. Mindfulness is simply the practice of paying attention to what arises in the present moment without judgement. Often times it means allowing uncomfortable thoughts or feelings to arise so that you can look at them in an objective way.
Conflict poses a particular challenge to mindfulness because when you are in conflict it is hard to focus on anything else. But this is also the reason that applying mindfulness to conflict is so powerful. The ability to separate yourself from the situation, even for a moment, to objectively assess your thoughts and feelings can give you exactly the perspective you need.
So when I came across the book “The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution”, I was curious to see how the author applied the concept of mindfulness to conflict. In the book, Rosalie Puiman uses the acronym “PAUSE” to frame a five-step process to apply mindfulness to conflicts at work.
The five steps to PAUSE are Presence, Acceptance, Undercurrent, Synchronicity, and Exchange. These principles can be applied to any type of conflict, whether personal or professional. In this case, let’s apply it to a workplace where your customer is expressing anger to you about the quality of service your company delivered.
Presence
When a client is criticizing you, it’s easy to focus on formulating your response rather than actually listen to what is being said. Being present means actually listening to what the client is trying to tell you. You don’t have to agree with it to give it the attention it deserves.
Acceptance
Before you can resolve the conflict, accept the facts as they are. Your client is upset. She thinks it’s your fault. If you don’t accept these basic facts, your approach may be to minimize the issue which will only make the situation worse in this case.
Undercurrent
The subtext of the client’s message is important. There is usually more to the story than what is being said. If you listen carefully to your client you may notice that she is really more upset that you didn’t return her previous messages than she is about the actual problem.
Synchronicity
Be ready for the moments in conflict that open the door for connection. This might be finding the moment to claim responsibility for something. Or listening for the moment when the client moves beyond her frustration and expresses what she would like to happen. If you’re not practicing mindfulness, you may miss these opportunities.
Exchange
When you are ready to respond to your client, be clear and authentic. Don’t speak just to fill an awkward silence.
It’s worth noting that the word “pause” itself is a good reminder to build momentary spaces into contentious situations. It’s easy to get so caught up in the conflict that there is no room for mindfulness. Pauses allow you to check yourself.
The PAUSE approach can be a useful tool to manage difficult conversations. Practicing these skills frequently in low pressure situations will prepare you for when you need them most.
