How to Stand up to Someone Who Doesn't Value You

Posted on April 07, 2021 by Mitzi Bockmann, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

I know it might seem impossible to do but knowing how to stand up to someone who doesn’t value you is the key to being happy.

So many of us do it – no matter how badly we are treated, we won’t walk away. We want so badly to love and be loved and we never want to give up hope, so we stay. And we suffer.

If you have a clear understanding of the specific things that you need to do to successfully stand up to someone who doesn’t value you, you will have a far better chance of doing so and being happy.

So, how do you stand up for, and get, what you want?

1. – Don’t justify their behaviors.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients justify their person’s behavior when they are treated badly.

I have a client whose guy was always late. It was so disrespectful. What did she do? She justified it by saying he had to help people at his recovery group. How could she be upset if he was helping others?

Another client said that her boyfriend could never go out after work because he had to be there for his kids – even on days that he didn’t have them. She said that he must have had other things to do with them – every time he used that excuse.

How about your person? Does your person do things that you know aren’t ok and are you willing to write those things off? If you had a friend who told you the things that your person is doing to you was being done to them, would you tell them to run and run fast?

It is important that you don’t justify your person’s behaviors. The reality is is that a person who values someone makes time for them, isn’t always making excuses and treats them like they are a priority.

Don’t kid yourself if things are otherwise. You will regret it!

2. – Don’t lose yourself.

Many of us, particularly those of us who are being undervalued in a relationship, lose ourselves when we are involved with someone.

Those things that we used to do to make ourselves laugh, to make us feel good about ourselves, that made us feel loved and respected, those things get put to the side in our desire to commit ourselves to our relationship above all else.

A few years back, I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t value me. When I met him, I was a single woman living very happily in NYC with my dog. I was running my own business and doing volunteer work that I loved. I respected myself.

Two years later, I was a shell of that person. Two years of being undervalued had made me believe that I really was worth nothing. And, as a result, standing up to him, standing up for myself, was almost impossible. I didn’t value myself – how could I expect him to value me?

So, make sure that, whether your relationship is a healthy one or not, that you don’t lose yourself to it. Keep your hobbies, your friends and your family in your life, focus on your career, take care of yourself. All of these things will keep you self-assured and aware that you deserve to be valued, no matter what, and you will feel more confident standing up for yourself!

3. – Don’t overcompensate.

Does this sound like you?

Does your person come home late and you still have dinner hot and ready for him?

Does your person not call for days and when she finally does, do you act like nothing is wrong?

Does he say unkind things to you and you just try to let them roll off your back?

Do you tiptoe around her, doing whatever you can to keep her happy so that she will love you?

If you do any of these things, you are overcompensating. You are doing all of the work in the relationship. You believe that if you only try hard enough, aren’t difficult or demanding, flexible to whatever their whims are, then your person won’t leave you.

Guess what – it just doesn’t work!

As a matter of fact, if you work overtime to make your person happy, in spite of the way that they treat you, you are just making things worse. The more you overcompensate, the more likely they are to lose respect for you, which will only lead them to treating you worse.

So, if your person is treating you badly, don’t bend over backwards to try to make them happy. If you stand up for yourself you are way more likely to get what you want – happiness and respect.

4.  – Don’t stay for the wrong reasons.

I know that you aren’t that happy in your relationship or you wouldn’t be reading this article. So, I ask you – why are you staying?

Are you staying because of how happy you guys were in the beginning? Are you staying because you don’t want to be alone? Are you staying because you have invested so much time? Are you staying because you don’t want to start dating again? Are you staying because you ‘aren’t a quitter?’ Are you staying because you are worried that you won’t ever love or be loved again?

None of those reasons are a reason to stay in a relationship where someone doesn’t value you. The only reason to stay in this relationship is because you are happy. Don’t stay in this relationship because you think your person can change. That, if you are nice enough, they will go back to the way things were in the beginning. Stay because you are happy with how things are right now.

And leave if you aren’t!

Don’t stay for the wrong reasons. It’s a huge waste of time, time that you could be spending finding someone who will value you and love you forever.

5. – Don’t stick around.

The number one way to stand up to someone who doesn’t value you is to walk away.  Yes, walk away.

I know it seems easier said than done but if you can walk away from your person you will accomplish one of two things.

First, by walking away, by standing up for yourself, you could earn the respect of the person who has been treating you badly. There is nothing sexier than someone who advocates for themselves, who sees their own value.

Second, if you walk away from someone who doesn’t value you, you will open yourself up to finding someone who does. The longer you stay in this relationship, the longer it will take you to be happy. If you stay in this relationship, as it is, with you being undervalued, your chances of being happy are greatly diminished!

So, be prepared to walk away if you can’t get the respect you deserve!

If you need to stand up to someone who doesn’t value you, do so soon!

Every moment that you waste being with someone who makes you unhappy is a wasted moment.

I know that you might think that he is your ‘soulmate’ but I can promise you that your soulmate would never treat you the way you have been treated!

So take steps NOW to make change – whatever change you need to do to set yourself up for a life full of happiness and love!