3 Steps to Reverse the Damage of Intimacy Atrophy

Posted on March 08, 2021 by Deanna Bryant, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Intimacy atrophy is the result of couples growing further apart instead of closer over the years. You would think that after sharing life with someone-all the joys, sorrow, sickness, and health, you’d become increasingly intimate, right? But that isn’t always the case.

Intimacy atrophy works the same way muscle atrophy works. It doesn’t happen overnight. It is a slow process and is usually brought on by something that inhibits the use of the muscle. If it isn’t used, it stops working- it’s not rocket science, right?

Marital intimacy is no different. We start our marriages strong, but over time if we allow something or many things to inhibit the use of our intimacy muscle, it begins to grow weaker every day.
Marriage is not static. It is an ever-evolving relationship that requires more work than we could ever have anticipated in the beginning.

So, how does our intimacy atrophy?

The first cause of intimacy atrophy is not making your marriage your number 1 priority.

What I see happen in so many marriages that make it to midlife is that all the work and struggle required to develop a deeper intimacy is eaten up by expending all our energy on raising children, dealing with chaotic schedules, managing a household, pursuing career goals, and achieving financial freedom. It isn’t that we didn’t care. We do care! But, we seem to think we can put our relationships on hold and pick them back up later down the road. Intimacy doesn’t wait.

In my marriage, once my children arrived, they became my number 1 priority, and my husband was on his own. I rationalized he was a big boy; he could take care of himself. The problem was, when I became emotionally unavailable, he retreated too. The gap only widened over time.

After the kids got older, the gap had morphed into a gorge.
The problem is that anything more important than your marriage will have an adverse effect on it even when what you are putting before it is essential.

If your marriage is struggling to survive midlife, now is the time to make it number 1.

Let’s face it; chances are you have more time and energy to make your marriage your number 1 priority if you haven’t in the past. The kids are gone, careers are established, schedules are less chaotic, and finances are typically better at our age- well unless your kids are still in college like mine.

If your marriage has taken a back seat for years, let it ride shotgun always. What have you put before your marriage? Kids? A career? Friendships? Your relationship with your parents? Even hobbies. I have many a friend who calls themselves golf widows.

You might be thinking, “My husband doesn’t make me his number 1 priority, so why should I make him? I get it. It is a hard pill to swallow. However, I have found when one partner begins to reach out in reconciliation; the other can be reached in time. Believe it or not, men want to have a deep connection, too, whether they convey it or not. It may take sucking up your pride a bit, but it can be done if it is the desire of your heart.

Excellence in any area of your life doesn’t come by wanting only. It requires concerted effort and commitment. If you focus on what’s wrong, you’ll never find the solution. Misplaced priorities are a marriage killer.

Another cause of intimacy atrophy is the inability to share your needs.

Many of us either don’t know what we need, or we do know and haven’t communicated it because we fear rejection or vulnerability.

Have you shared your needs only to have them minimized or worse shamed for them? Maybe you had parents who were so consumed with their own lives that your needs were insignificant, causing you to be needless and want less adult.

If you don’t know what you need, how can your husband? If you do know, have you told him?
When we don’t get what we need, the result is disillusionment, anger, or resentment. You must determine what you need.

My husband and I were given the exercise to make an individual needs list for our marriage. I would write mine and he would write his. Sound awkward? It was a bit, I’m not going to lie, but we did it anyway.

We had to do some soul searching and look at what was most important to us in marriage.
When we fine-tuned our lists, we shared them. It felt a bit uncomfortable. It required some raw vulnerability, but the results were worth the short-term discomfort.

We allowed the other to ask for any clarification- maybe one of my needs wasn’t clear to him or vice versa. Man, was it an eye-opener for both of us. You think after living with someone half your life, you’d know what they need. Not necessarily. Without knowing our own needs and sharing them, we can’t fully be understood. You won’t get what you don’t ask for.

The last cause of intimacy atrophy is unresolved conflict.

Conflict is not a bad thing. It is not only inevitable, but it is also necessary. If conflicts are handled appropriately, it builds intimacy and trust.

Unresolved conflicts happen for two reasons: Conflict is handled with anger, criticism, or judgment, causing more anger and pain, that the issue is no longer the issue at all. This scenario can be repeated, and after a while, one or both parties decide it isn’t worth it anymore.

The second reason is conflicts are avoided altogether. Either one or both parties feel anger or pain, and instead of sharing it, they shut down in silence or pouting.

Unresolved conflicts in a marriage don’t go away by ignoring them. They are like gradually putting rocks in a suitcase. After a while, it becomes so heavy, and it is impossible to carry.
It causes anger and resentment that cause a closing of the heart. Close your heart off, and you have a marriage in serious trouble. In this isolation, a husband and a wife will look for other ways to fill the void- other relationships, food, hobbies, work, and addictive behaviors.

We all want and need a connection with our spouses. We will fill that empty tank with something.

Here is how you can prevent unresolved conflicts or resolve older ones:

Maybe you’re thinking, “There are so many unresolved conflicts in my marriage that there is no way to cover them all.” I hear you! Trust me; this is not the time to make a comprehensive list to be shared. You’ll be overwhelmed, and so will your husband.

Can you go back and resolve all of them? I sincerely doubt it. Some old issues may need forgiveness, which can heal old wounds. What you can do is choose now to resolve conflicts as they arise. If conflicts illicit fights that prove unproductive, leaving nothing resolved, take some time to step back before addressing something that is bothering you, especially if it isn’t convenient or too emotionally charged.

Here’s a scenario. Maybe you’ve asked your husband to help you with a project, and he has agreed. Then at the last minute, he’s made other plans because he forgot.

Obviously, that will cause a conflict that, if unaddressed, can become resentment. You may get angry, so if you can’t communicate without judgment or criticism, don’t at that moment.
If your body is hot, rigid, your heart racing, or if you feel you are about to explode-it is not the time to try to resolve it even though the anger makes you feel more powerful.

I remember having teenagers who came home to a furious mother. I knew my anger was intense, so I would tell them we would talk the next day, or I could say damaging things.
Disclaimer, I wasn’t always this cool-headed. My kids could tell some tales of my anger before learning better ways of dealing with it. I could be quite the rager. I’m not too proud of that. Do better once you know better.

Give yourself time to get your emotions under control even if it takes a few hours or even a day. I suggest not waiting too long, or you might convince yourself you are over it, and it’s too late. It isn’t- it is never too late if you feel strongly about something.

Sometimes new conflicts are a Segway to addressing the past unresolved conflicts. It provides a prime opportunity. Instead of saying, you always do this. Or, you never remember anything, try expressing it by saying, In the past, we’ve scheduled things, and you have forgotten and done other things. It seems it is a pattern, and I feel angry about it. What can we do to prevent this from happening again?

Wait for a reply. Let him come up with the solution. If he can’t offer you one, you can submit one and ask him to agree to it. Anyone with a cell phone has no excuse for forgetting things these days.

Again, you won’t resolve every single conflict you’ve ever had in your marriage, but things will come up, and patterns may resurface that brush over that old would and provide an opportunity.
Intimacy atrophy is not a death sentence to a marriage. By making your marriage your top priority, sharing your needs, and addressing current and resolved conflicts, you can begin to build up your intimacy muscle again.