Listen Your Way to Success
Posted on February 18, 2021 by Rashmi Priya, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Effective communication is key to success. What should you do to become better communicators? Listen your way to success!
“It takes a great man to be a good listener.” – Calvin Coolidge
No wonder, when God asked the legendry king Solomon for one wish, he asked for ‘a listening heart’ and God gave him wisdom!
Studies show, we spend 70-80% of our day engaged in some form of communication. Of that we spend, 9% writing, 16% reading, 30% speaking and 45% listening. Statistics also show that untrained listeners hear less than 20% of a conversation. Majority of us fall in this category.
One of the most basic human needs is the need to understand and be understood. And the best way to understand others is to listen to them. Listening to another person is the most sincere form of respect that we can give. However, what happens when two people come together in a conversation? They could be talking about any subject like weather, food, politics, business or simply what they did last weekend. Each person has the expectation of “being heard” by the other person. They want the other person to hear their point of view, their narrative, their opinion, their achievements, and their feelings on the subject. They are usually politely persistent, they want the last word and to win the argument. In such a scenario we are just focused on imposing and presenting a certain picture of ‘ourselves’, unconsciously ignoring the other person. What happens as a result is not a surprise. Neither person is heard; neither is validated. Feelings are hurt or, at best, not nurtured. Empowerment, leadership, self-esteem, friendship, relationship and love are often overlooked or even damaged.
So, Why is Listening so Hard?
For as long as we know, communication has been about speaking and talking. More often than not, we are just concerned about whether we agree or disagree to what other is saying? What our response should be? How can I win an argument? The focus is on ‘us’. Additionally, there is so much noise and distraction in our inner and outer environment, that it becomes truly difficult to listen to someone. We are bombarded by physical noise in the environment and the psychological noise in our own mind, like our biases, our thoughts etc. It takes a lot of effort to create a mental and emotional space in ourselves to be able to listen to others.
Next questions is, how do we listen deeply?
Lets see an example.
Richa is visiting her parents house for a family get together. When she reaches, her mother has already done most of the preparations.
Richa asks : “Do you need any help?”
Mom : “I have already done what was needed. You would have helped if you asked me an hour ago. Now I really don’t care.”
If Richa only hears the words her mom has said, she may reply saying : “Well, If you don’t care, I might as well relax on my couch and watch TV.”
We can very well see that only her words do not convey everything. For anyone listening beyond words would know that she is feeling, resentful, abandoned, frustrated and given up on hope of Richa being around. It may also mean that she is having difficulty asking for help. If Richa could go beyond the words and understand her, her response would probably be different – embrace her, connect and empathize with her and then look for tasks that she could take on.
So how do we get to that state of listening beyond words? We can look at the following five steps to listening deeply.
1. Before every important conversation, set some time to reflect and listen to yourself about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Are you anxious, bored, agitated, excited etc. Listening to yourself effectively is the first step to listening to others deeply.
2. Clear your mind of any mindless chatter, thoughts, feelings, preconceived notions, biases that prevent you from being fully present in this moment for the person. Be sure you are ready to give the mental and emotional space to the other person.
3. Commit to yourself that this conversation will be “all about the other person”. Shift the focus from ‘self’ to ‘the other’. It will be their story, their accomplishment, their opinion, their views etc. See through their eyes, hear through their ears and feel through their heart so that you truly listen.
4. Listen not only from your ear but from your full body, your emotion and intuition. This will help you reach the human beyond the words. So listen not only what has been said but equally importantly what has not been said. Listen to the human behind the words.
5. The last step is to Ask Questions. Ask questions to further clarify your understanding, go down deeper into the conversation and have an enriching discussion.
We may not do it in every conversation but for any important, delicate or sensitive conversation where the goal is to get the other person walk away feeling better about themselves than before they spoke to you. Surprisingly, in all such cases it also leaves us feeling much better.
What difference can listening bring to the world?
Imagine the world, when parents truly listen to their children, teachers listened better to the students, listening becomes a norm in the organizations, governments were selected not only on the basis of talking but listening and so on. Would it not be a much better, more open, generous, supportive and successful society. And would this not help heal the trauma afflicted by mental illness, depression, loneliness etc? As William Ury, said “We need a Listening Revolution to change the ‘Age of Communication’ into the ‘Age of True Communication’.
To wind up, listening is the most beautiful gift that you can give to anyone. You can give this gift of listening in a 30 second conversation or a three hour one. In either case you are providing the other person an extraordinary experience by honoring and respecting them at the deepest level and that paves the way for you to to be seen as a leader with a heart who can create success for self and others. So, Are You Listening?
