Rethinking Valentine's Day

Posted on February 15, 2021 by Move with Courage Life and Education Coaching, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

“Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change” – Bob Kerrey

When I was teaching elementary children, a highly controversial moment for my students was whenever we came across the word “love” in a book or a song. Even in a seemingly offhand way, “love” evoked strong reactions involving groans, shocked faces, and wide eyes to the opposing gender: “Ew! Gross! I don’t want to kiss them! I don’t want to get married!” So we would go through all of the different ways we feel and show love. We love our family, we love our pets, we love our friends, we love warm chocolate cookies out of the oven, we love to swing on the swing in the sunshine, we love to help a friend when they are sad, we love to make cards for our friends and family, we love to listen to happy music, etc. They were already practicing a wide array of degrees of love and variations in how they showed their love, to many different people, items, and themselves. This process separated romantic love from the diverse ways we experience love, and it made the song or the book more palatable for them. This process with the students also led me to contemplate my own wide array of experiencing and showing love, and it comes up for me every Valentine’s Day. In our world today, we have a strong need for a wide range of experiencing and feeling love, from multiple sources. This makes me think differently about Valentine’s Day lately- less as some sort of romantic obligation between couples, and more about this time of year being the perfect time to extend the love and appreciation to many in order get us through to the spring. Here are some of the ways I’ve reconsidered love this time of year:

One thing I found myself doing unconsciously was taking time to reach out with positive support or an appreciative note lately to people doing great work or showing powerful or helpful thinking. This became a morning habit, and I realized it brought me so much joy and helped others to recognize their strengths. I noticed this habit became very important for me on stressful or unhappy days. This could be someone you know very well, someone you don’t know that well, or someone you don’t know at all but you are aware of their work. If I read a great article or book that inspired me, I would email the author. Guess what- they often wrote back! Every time they were touched by the recognition of their positive qualities, and told me it motivated them to continue their work. You will be surprised at the feedback you receive in return as adults aren’t used to their positives being highlighted instead of their negatives. An added bonus here is that you will be given an uplifting boost or positive feeling when you take the time to show appreciation!

2. Show your co-workers some love
In addition to showing appreciation for the work your colleagues do that is helpful or valuable, think of the ways you can promote and highlight their positive qualities. Does someone have a special skill that would allow them to excel at a certain project? Encourage them to go for it! Many times skill-opportunity matches are more obvious to others than ourselves. Do you feel energized or motivated after speaking to a certain colleague? Acknowledge it and thank them for their positive impact on you! Is one of your colleagues having a difficult time and need some support? Reach out with an offer for coffee and a chat! Many times competitive and toxic work cultures can be transformed by embracing appreciation and true collaboration among the individual team members.

3. Lean into love with your family and friends
Remembering my intentions of showing love to family, friends, and especially my children, has helped during those moments of stress, chaos, and hormones. With my children, it becomes easier to pause and remind myself of my intentions, and then continue the discussion through the lens of still wanting them to feel loved- even through the times of bad behavior. Taking time to reflect on their positive progress and inherent qualities helps keep the challenge in perspective with why and how you love family and friends. Also discovering the different ways a family member or friend needs to be shown love will give you a key to connecting to their heart.

4. Love yourself, too
Holding love as a value can also extend to yourself. Caring for your mind, body, and spiritual self needs shows love. Appreciating your strengths and speaking to yourself as kindly as you would to someone you love shows love. Taking time to yourself and pursuing interests that connect to your value shows love. We are cautioned against being selfish, but there can be harm in losing yourself by giving too much to others. When that happens it is difficult to connect to the parts of yourself that feel and give love to others, as you barely have enough love to show yourself. So take that time to show appreciation, kindness, and love to yourself.

4. Love your community
Collective responsibility in communities is something that needs our attention. Every day when you observe the communities you are immersed in, do you see something that you could improve? On your daily walk, do you notice litter on the sidewalk or grass? A neighbors trash can that has fallen over? An elderly neighbor who needs their driveway shoveled? These are not your direct problems, but what would happen if you offered your help to these problems? Improving your community in even the smallest ways encourages others to do the same, and shows your direct impact and value on the spaces you inhabit.

So remember…
It is truly a challenge to remember love when you are angry, overwhelmed, or stressed. But if it becomes part of your value system and habits, it is front and center in your consciousness and easier to draw upon in times of need. Also if you are shown love or appreciation it softens those harsher feelings as well.

So try it! Adults are awful at accepting compliments you will find and they also need to be aware of when they are doing something that has a positive impact, or value- that way they will be encouraged to continue that positive work. Start your day by showing your appreciation to someone else, and see how you feel.

Spread the love, and let me know how it goes! – Tina