Assumptions: The Stories We Make Up in Our Head About Someone's Intentions

Posted on February 05, 2021 by Vicki Eaton, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Have you ever made up a story in your head about what someone else’s words or actions meant, and then you got hurt or angry about it, only to later find out they had not intended it how you interpreted it? Or has someone ever misinterpreted something you did or said, and they got hurt or angry about it, and conflict resulted because they made up a story in their head about your intentions? Making assumptions, and then not being able to step back and question the story going on in your head about it can be the cause of a lot of conflict in relationships as well as one reason people feel badly about themselves.

We all normally make assumptions or interpretations every day. For example, if the weather report says that it is going to rain, we assume we should take an umbrella with us. If someone tells us they enjoyed food we prepared, we assume they are telling us the truth. Sometimes assumptions we make are accurate, and sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are benign, and sometimes they are downright toxic.

Take an ordinary experience that’s happened to all of us at some point, but the assumptions we make about it contain the potential for turning it into some drama…

What kinds of assumptions do you make when you call, text, or email someone about something important to you, but you don’t hear back from them? As you wait for a response, how does it impact you? Do you go down a negative trail and get irritated and impatient? Do you start feeling hurt or rejected by them? Or maybe you start assuming something like: “They’re too busy.” “I can’t depend on them.” “They must not really care about me.” “Do they really want to be in relationship with me?” “Maybe there is something wrong with them.” “Maybe there is something wrong with me.” Or perhaps you are able to go down a positive trail, calmly assuming, “They must really be swamped at work, or they have a lot on their plate. They value our relationship, and I know they’ll respond when they get a chance.” Whatever kinds of assumptions you make will have an impact on how you feel about yourself, and probably on how you think, feel, and act toward them the next time you talk to them.

Making assumptions is a big cause of anger, hurt, and conflict in a relationship, as well as one of the roots of self-criticism and anxiety. Sadly, some people make assumptions and they don’t have a clue that the story they’re telling themselves regarding the meaning of someone else’s words or actions is based on interpretations that may or may not be based on reality. They are not able to step back and observe their own thought patterns, like, “I’m feeling hurt (angry, frustrated, worried) about _____. I’m assuming they meant _____, but that might not be accurate. I need to check out my assumptions before I get upset.”

Of course, even the best relationships have their moments when there are misunderstandings, but if you can check out your assumptions to see if, in fact, how you interpreted something is correct or incorrect, that is one indicator of safety and healthiness in that relationship. However, if you are in a relationship with someone who makes a lot of negative assumptions, and they are completely convinced their assumptions are correct, and additionally, they often aren’t able to hear and accept your explanation for why you said or did something, then you might be in an unsafe, and maybe a toxic relationship.

Here are two strategies that can help you deal with assumptions more effectively:

The first strategy helps you sort through the assumptions you make about yourself when something happens that prompts you to feel hurt, anxious, or angry, and it can help you return to feeling calm again. Ask yourself these 4 questions and write down your answers:
(1.) What are the facts, and nothing but the facts, about what happened?
(2.) What are my assumptions I am making about myself and about the other person?
(3.) What are some other possible explanations that could account for why someone said or did something? List as many as possible. This can help you realize that they truly might not have been doing something against you, even if your initial assumptions made you think and feel that was happening.
(4.) Are my assumptions reality based, or is this just a story I’m making up in my head because of my insecurities?

The second strategy can help you sort through assumptions that contribute to conflict in a relationship:
(1.) When someone appears to be having a negative reaction to something you said or did, you can ask, “How did you interpret what I just said/did?” or “What is the picture you have in your mind about what I just said/did?” or “What is the assumption you are making about what I said/did?”
(2.) When you notice yourself having a negative reaction to something someone is saying or doing, you can say, “Here is how I’m tempted to interpret what you did/said…is that what you meant?” or “Here is the picture I have in my mind about what you said/did…does that match the picture you had in your mind as you said/did it?” or “Here is the assumption I’m making about what you said/did…is that what you meant?”

These are simple tools that won’t solve all conflict in a relationship nor all self-criticism, but they can help. It is possible to learn to recognize when you are making up a story in your head about something you think is happening, and then to step back to question your assumptions before engaging in blame/shame with yourself or someone else. You can also learn how to talk to someone honestly to check out your assumptions about what someone meant by their words or actions. Doing these things can help you have less anxiety and worry personally, and less conflict relationally.