Do you know that low self-esteem is a learned behavior?

Posted on January 07, 2021 by Fulvia Sechi, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

Before I start talking about low self-esteem, I would like to make sure you know the difference between confidence and self-esteem.
I often hear people talk about the two as if they were the same thing, we tend to confuse them, to replace one with the other but it is important to distinguish between them.

So let’s go in order and start with the basics.

What is confidence?
Confidence is the ability to think oneself capable and can vary depending on the area of life. Confidence measures what we are capable of, what we are good at. It is based on what we achieve so we might, for example, be confident about sport (maybe we’ve won awards or we’re just good), but not so confident when it comes to public speaking or dating.
Not being capable in all areas or situations in life does not mean we cannot have good self-esteem, just as feeling capable in everything does not mean we have good self-esteem.

What about self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a judgement about ourselves, it is the result of the beliefs we have about ourselves, often formed during childhood. It could be summarised as “I believe in myself because I am what I am, strengths and weaknesses included”.
People with well-developed self-esteem are comfortable with themselves and their limits.
But be careful, it is sometimes the case that people who live with low self-esteem mask their condition and, to compensate for it, may behave in a haughty and arrogant manner.

So how can you tell if you have low self-esteem?
What I’m about to tell you will already help.
Self-esteem has nothing to do with what others think of you, but with what YOU think of you.
So now sit back and listen carefully to your thoughts. Can you hear:

- self-loathing?
- self-criticism, you judge yourself unrealistically and not objectively?
- doubt yourself?
- you constantly compare yourself with others?
- are you afraid to love and believe that you do not deserve love?
- do you prefer others to make decisions for you?
- do you blame yourself for things that are beyond your control?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you have low self-esteem.

But how does it feel to have low self-esteem?
Well, feeling constantly insecure and indecisive is already a source of suffering and limits daily life considerably.
Some of my clients, for example, were unable to listen to themselves, which made it difficult for them to find their way and pursue their aspirations. Or they were constantly seeking the consent of others, even at the cost of limiting their own preferences and being satisfied by keeping quiet about their own desires.
I also had a client who was extremely brilliant at his job, even though he was very young and had already made a lot of progress in his career, but he was not willing to take risks and would freeze up for fear of making a mistake and making the wrong decision.

Good news!
The good news I have for you is that low self-esteem is a learned behavior.
Yes, it is! It was taught to you in childhood, usually by parents or takegivers, or it comes from negative life experiences that have been generalised. Let me explain. This happens when a negative event is applied to the whole life and not just to that specific case.

So, if you have learned low self-esteem, then you can learn to have healthy self-esteem by adopting new beliefs. It is up to you to decide whether you want to develop more confidence in yourself and your abilities every day and to fully respect your limits and human frailties. It’s ok, being fragile and having limits. Accept it and it can help you build your life in the direction of your well-being,
The more you have self-esteem, the more you will have a good perception of your abilities in facing different situations in life, considering all the limitations and not condemning them as the worst evil in the world!

How to adopt new beliefs?
Well, there are different methods, some work better than others, it depends on the person. There are those who decide for example to learn something new, that they are passionate about and interested in, others to work on their comfort zone or start Journaling…whatever method works best for you, you have to be aware that to get results you will have to commit.

But if you don’t know where to start or if you have already tried different things but nothing has been helpful, please contact me. As a coach, I will be happy to guide and support you on this journey and help you achieve this goal much more easily and quickly.