The 30 Second Realtionship

Posted on December 09, 2020 by Marisa Birnbaum, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

Picture it Westchester New York 1980 something:

A woman let’s call her Mom and her son and daughter are out hustling to check things off the family list. It’s been a long day of work and school. After they finish with their final destination at the mall, her son’s Bar MItzvah suit fitting, it’s time to eat. Against her better judgement Burger King is the dining destination. It’s packed, nothing like a fast food restaurant in the 80s. Finally they get to the front of the line, food is ordered, and now it is time to wait and wait and wait. Oy 15 minutes go by and everyone is getting hangry. Mom is over it and she approaches the counter and demands to speak to the manager. “This is insane. I came here for fast food and this is anything but fast.” A verbal tiff erupted. Needless to say safety was not achieved.

To answer your question yes the heroine in this story is my mother and this my first memory of one of her 30 second relationships. And yes I did ask for permission to share this story. Honestly I don’t remember the exact outcome of this relationship and I am sure it didn’t leave my Mom and her adversary feeling warm and fuzzy. Was this an effective way to communicate?

Our lives are a series of relationships. Romantic, business, familial, transactional and yes some of them can last a couple of seconds. Relationships require a connection and it doesn’t matter how brief they are. We can be at the bank, the grocery store, or calling to schedule a dentist appointment. It’s easy to forget that these little connections have meaning especially when many of them are being replaced by technology. When we navigate these interpersonal relationships we utilize skills that we have developed thru-out our lives. Just like a pick your own adventure story we can opt to communicate in a variety of ways, some more effective than others.

How do we acquire these skills……. Over the last 40 years skills associated with social-emotonal learning have begun to emerge. A major contributor to this field is Marcia Linehan who back in 1993 published her first edition of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills manual. Once reserved for people who identified as emotionally dysregulated these skills are taught in grade school to corporations. So how about those of us who were not lucky enough to have skills training be part of our curriculum growing up or part of a HR development strategy, how can we sharpen our Emotional Intelligence. It’s not enough to say I just want to be a better communicator. We must commit to the process. We need to understand how to have a hard conversation that doesn’t leave us feeling icky inside. How can we step up our relationship game, not just for our significant relationships, for our 30 second relationships too!

Forget 30 seconds The Harvard Study of Communications stated that it takes just seven seconds upon meeting someone for most people to form an impression of them. seven seconds! If we are all being evaluated in just 7 seconds it stands to reason that cultivating the skills we use for everyday interactions will help us grow.

Teddy Roosevelt famously said “The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”

As human beings we are meant to be in relationship with one another. Every relationship we have can teach us something, and by building positive relationships with others, we will be happier and more fulfilled and feel more supported, supportive, and connected.

Why should we care so much about the quality of our 30 second relationships?

Simply because they matter.

Next time you pick up the phone or enter the grocery store keep in mind that your quick interactions matter. Be an active listener, have empathy, convey trust and if you don’t know how, work on it! It takes two tango and I wonder if there is someone out there telling their family about how a woman once blew her lid waiting for her food.