FIVE TRAITS OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

Posted on November 24, 2020 by Michelle Volz, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Not all relationships are the same, and yet successful relationships seem to have a few common traits that point to their success. What is relationship success? Basically, it’s both partners feeling good, feeling loved, feeling secure, and feeling happy to be together. Here are the five areas that people in successful, thriving relationships are mindful of.

One: Reveal, Not Conceal

We’re talking about each person being willing and able to talk openly (and calmly) about the things they need and want, so that the other person doesn’t have to work too hard playing guessing games or being a mind-reader.

This is a common trouble-spot in many relationships. For some people, being clear and direct about what they need and want is not something they were raised to do. Speaking up about what you need and want makes some people afraid of being judged, or criticized, or manipulated in some way by the other. Or for others, they just don’t know what to say or how to say it. Learning how to put needs and wants into words takes practice, but it’s totally do-able.

For the partner on the receiving end of this kind of open, clear communication – it’s nice to know that what-you-see-is-what-you-get and that there is no hidden agenda going on with your partner. You can trust what your partner is communicating, which brings a feeling of confidence and ease in the relationship.

Two: Listen. Really Listen

With this trait, each person is able to show the other that they are really listening to what the partner is saying. This is about paying attention to the other. Genuine listening shows interest and caring. When you are truly interested in understanding your partner better, you naturally tune-in to them when they are expressing something to you.

When your listening skills are good, your partner knows they are being heard by you. They never have to stop and ask, “Did you hear what I said?” or “Are you listening?”

In successful relationships, both partners ought to be good listeners, not just one. If you find that your listening skills are not quite up to par, this is a skill that can be improved with practice. But the underlying feelings toward your relationship ought to be examined: Do you have a genuine interest in your partner’s thoughts and feelings? Do you have a sense of curiosity about your partner and their life? If you don’t, do you want to?

Three: Own Your Stuff

They say that being in a relationship is like holding up a mirror to yourself because your stuff is going to get reflected back to you, whether you’re aware of it or not. That’s the nature of relationships. Which is a good thing because it has the potential to lead to a lot of really good personal growth.

The biggest problem with this mirror-reflection-thing is that it’s really easy to start projecting your issues onto your partner. And that leads to blame and criticism. So, this is something that needs to be reeled-in, in order to have a successful relationship.

What’s the best way to keep projection at bay? It starts with the way you speak to each other, particularly when you are not in agreement with one another. Speak from the “I” point of view (I want, I need, I feel, I think…) and not from the “You" point of view (You always, you never; you’re too ____; you’re not ____ enough; you’re such a ____; you make me mad, you annoy me, you depress me, etc.

Talking from the “I” point of view is about expressing something that is true for you. It means you have to open yourself up and sometimes be a little vulnerable about what you feel or how you see things.

Talking from the “You” point of view is about pointing the finger at someone else and blaming and criticizing them. And them’s fightin’ words. To have a successful relationship, practice turning those “You” statements into “I” statements.

Four: Avoid the Four Horsemen

Dr. John Gottman is a brilliant psychologist who spent several years studying hundreds of couples as they worked through relationship conflict, and he found that there are four communication styles that will bring a relationship to its knees. Because these styles are so destructive to the relationship, he called them the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

These are all forms of communication that pop up every now and then, especially during stressful times in a relationship. But know that each time these styles come up, they are chipping away at the quality of the relationship. If any of these communication styles are an ongoing way of interacting, the relationship’s foundation is going to weaken with every passing incident.

These destructive communication patterns can be worked-on and improved, but it’s essential that the partner who’s using any of these communication styles is the one who is motivated to change. Let’s look at each one of these four communication styles for a minute…

Criticism

Criticism shows up with those “You” statements we were talking about before.
It’s easy to fall into this habit because when you’re up close and personal – as you are with a relationship partner. You’re seeing everything… the good, the bad, and all those ways in which you are different.

Coming to terms with the whole picture of your partnership is what healthy relationships are all about. If you find yourself using criticism to express yourself, you’re probably harboring some judgment, lack of acceptance, or concern over the ways in which you are different.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness happens when you feel under attack. Feeling like you’re under attack and actually being under attack are two different things. If you’re quick to say “No way!” or “I am not!” or “That’s not true!” or “That’s bulls**t!” you’re probably being defensive, which never really resolves anything. The fix for defensiveness is to stop and instead of defending yourself, ask a question to the other person so that you can try to understand their point of view. You can ask, “What do you mean? Or “What makes you say that?” or “Why do you feel that way?”

Defensiveness is a knee-jerk reaction. If you’re communication style is defensive, try pausing before you respond. Take a breath. Then change it up with a question that helps you better understand the other person’s point of view before assuming you are being attacked. Keep in mind, you’re not under arrest. You’re not on trial. You don’t need to defend.

Contempt

Is it possible to speak to your partner with contempt, yet not feel contempt toward them? Probably not. The fact is – if you’re speaking to your partner with contempt, you have contempt in your heart toward them.

There really is no place for contempt in a successful relationship. Successful relationships are loving and supporting and contempt is a form of extreme dislike mixed with disrespect, which is the opposite of being loving and supportive.

Talking to a partner with contempt is emotionally harmful, so when a person chooses to communicate with contempt, they are choosing to harm their partner. Successful relationships have a zero tolerance for contempt. A change in this trait requires a change in attitude. Like anything, it’s fixable if the person with contempt is willing to change.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is shutting your partner out. It means disconnecting and disengaging from the relationship. Stonewalling conveys the message that the partner and the relationship are not important enough to engage with.

Successfully relationships allow partners to take breaks or time-outs if needed, but never in a way that makes the other feel shut-out or discarded. To avoid stonewalling, successful relationship partners come up with a plan where the partner who needs to withdraw tells the other partner “Hey, I need a little time to collect my thoughts; I’d like to take a break, but I’ll be back, okay?” as one example.

Instead of just withdrawing, this example tells the other partner what is going on and what to expect, and assures them that you’ll reengage soon, and lastly checks in with the other partner to ask if they’re okay with this. It’s as if one is saying, “I’m going to withdraw to take care of myself, but you are important to me too and I’ll be back to re-connect with you as soon as I sort myself out.”

Successful relationships make it okay for people to take care of themselves, and if taking a time-out is what a person needs for self-care, the other partner will be supportive, particularly when they have been communicated with in such a respectful and considerate manner.

If you’re on the receiving end of these communication styles… you need to let your partner know that your relationship is on a path of destruction and some positive changes need to be made (by both of you) to get on track for having an enjoyable, successful relationship.

If you’re actively practicing any of these communication styles with your partner, it’s time to ask yourself what you really want: a healthy, thriving relationship? If yes, then it’s time to make some changes. If that feels too hard, then get a relationship coach to guide you through. It’s all fixable, but you have to want to fix it, which means working on yourself to let go of those bad communication habits.

And that brings us to number Five: Novelty

Another brilliant relationship expert whom I admire greatly is Esther Perel. Esther talks about the importance of novelty in long-term relationships in order to spark desire. In successful relationships, the partners understand that a little absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If you already know exactly what one another is thinking, feeling, wanting, and so on, and you have zero interest in conversing about it, you are probably caught in a rut of enmeshment and over-familiarity. This happens a lot in domestic life.

When we take the time to step back and observe our partner as an “other” who is separate from ourselves (for example, when they’re engaged in work, or a meaningful conversation with others), that distance creates psychological space. This kind of space is good. It gives us a chance to be curious and to explore the partner as something outside of what is familiar.

This is what novelty is – a hint of something new, something unfamiliar, something mysterious. It’s about showing up with one another, and exploring the person you are with, in a new way. Psychological space leads to curiosity. Having curiosity creates a sense of novelty. Novelty sparks desire.

If your relationship is basically good (loving and supportive) but the desire has faded, think in terms of finding ways to generate curiosity in one another. Take some psychological space so that when you reconnect, there are things to be curious about, ideas to explore, questions to ask, and so on. Of all the traits for successful relationships mentioned here, this one can be the most fun, if you let it.

Conclusion

Having happy, healthy, successful relationships is not something that comes automatically, necessarily.
It generally requires some very specific intention for personal growth and emotional wellness – from both partners. Even relationship experts hit bumps in the road once in a while. We’re all human, and we all have our stuff.

The willingness to take the high road and have a successful, thriving relationship is what matters most. If you will it, you can achieve it. All you have to do is gather the communication tools and emotional skills mentioned in this article, and practice them. And if you wish to have help, fortunately there are tons of available ways to support you. Working with a relationship coach is merely one of those ways.