I’m Tired, But You’re Lazy

Posted on September 23, 2020 by Mahdis Rezaei, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.

Do you wake up in the morning intending to offend someone’s feelings, or even ruin someone’s life?

Do you remember a time when you fully dedicated yourself in learning the truth about someone’s behavior or action?

In this article I want to talk about the meanings behind intentions and how we sometimes misinterpret them.

From my point of view, we are brought to this world as a clean slate; similar and equal with no predetermined view of the world. I strongly believe that none of us come to this life as a scientist, singer, or serial killer. From the minute we are born, we start interpreting the world through our five senses and through interactions with people. If we are not raised in a healthy environment and by educated people we stand the risk of becoming flawed.

As we grow older, we learn how to judge ourselves by our good intentions and judge others only by their actions and behaviors. This is because our observation is limited to only what we see, hear, smell and touch; we can’t truly understand what other people are feeling. Therefore, it is very hard, or in some cases even impossible for us to see what lies beneath one’s action.. Many studies have been done on this behavior.

For example, US psychologists Edwards Ellsworth Jones and Richard E. Nisbett introduced the Actor-Observer bias concept in 1972. According to this bias, when people are actors in a situation, they understand the feelings and motivation behind their actions as they are acting it. When they are observers, however, they are only able to understand the behaviors of other people through their senses.

I notice this behavior in my own life, many many times. As an example, A couple of weeks ago, during my performance review, my manager suggested that I take a 3-day leadership course. My first thought was, ‘how dare she, after all I do for the team, she thinks I am not a good leader.’ But, if I put myself in her shoes, I would only suggest my direct reports to take a course with the intention to help them master their skills. As you can see, At first, I ended up judging my manager only by what I heard.

Researchers also found that we tend to succumb to this bias less frequently with people we know well as we have more information about their needs, motivations, and thoughts.

For example, last Friday, my sister and I had dinner plans. I was dressed and ready to leave when my sister called to postpone. She mentioned she had a long day and she was very tired. I postponed the dinner without judgement or any hard feeling as I am familiar with my sister’s intention. But if this scenario would have happened with a friend or co-worker I would have assumed my friend or co worker was lazy or even inconsiderate…. You see… (I feel tired).. But, I see you are lazy. .. My sister said she felt tired and I knew she was tired and authentic.

It is not so wrong to say that most of the times we jump to conclusions without investing time to establish what is actually true. To help you understand this better, I would like to share a story with you that made me have an ‘ah-ha’ moment:

There was a man sitting on a train while his two children were running up and down the carriage. The children were making a lot of noise and being disruptive. At the end of the carriage, there was also a professional businessman reading a newspaper on his way home from work. After 5-10 minutes, the businessman became frustrated by the children playing. He started thinking to himself, ‘these children are completely spoiled and that man is a terrible parent, he should know better’.

So he stood up, walked through the carriage to give the father a piece of his mind… he said, ‘who do you think you are? You are a completely irresponsible father. These children are your responsibility. You should bring them under control, where is their mother?’ To which the father responded, ‘sorry, I am very sorry. I just left the funeral of my wife which is the children’s mother. I have never been in this situation before, I don’t know what to say to them, I don’t know if they have even come to terms with the reality that their mother is gone. I am so so sorry, please forgive me, I will do my best to quiet them down.’

How do you think the businessman felt now? Neither the business man nor the father had the intention to hurt the other.

Here are some ways to avoid this bias:
1. If possible, ask questions. There is nothing wrong with asking someone why he or she acted in a particular manner. It provides clarification and allows you to make an informed decision…
2. Avoid making judgments without considering all the information available. Try to look at the situation from different perspectives.
The businessman could simply ask the father to quiet the children down without making assumptions that he is a bad parent or because the mother is not there, children are noisy.
3. Never forget that none of us wake up with bad intentions.