Six Tips for Healthy Conflict

Posted on August 25, 2020 by Lindsay Tunkl, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

For many, conflict is considered something to be avoided at all costs. This makes sense since so few of us were taught how to engage in conflict in healthy ways. Fortunately, there are many things you can learn and practice to grow towards healthier conflict, because as we all know, it is unavoidable at one time or another. Also, there is nothing more attractive than someone who can show up for conflict in a grounded and generous way.

Questions to ask yourself:

Are there current situations where my needs are clashing with the needs of the people around me?

What are some ways in which I can take responsibility for meeting my personal needs?

6 tips for practicing healthy conflict:

— 1

Use ‘I’ statements. We’ve all heard this many times, but it really works. Rather than saying “You never take out the trash and it’s driving me crazy.” Try, “I really don’t want to take out the trash right now, would you mind doing it this time?”

— 2

Remember to stay curious. No two people agree on everything. Disagreement is a sign that folks are in touch with their own beliefs, feelings and needs. When people express how their beliefs, feelings or needs differ from yours it shows that they trust you enough to share their truth. It can be difficult to hear what someone else has to share in a conflict, but if you can stay curious rather than defensive you’ll get much farther together. Try asking your partner questions about their differing perspective before you share your own. More sharing, more Intimacy!

— 3

Make some conflict agreements. Each relationship is different and will need different supports in place, but here are some examples:

No yelling
No name calling / insults
No using the past against each other
Don’t put the relationship on the table in moments of conflict
Make up your own

— 4

Create guidelines for what to do if someone makes a mistake and oversteps one of your agreements. No one is perfect and this is bound to happen. It doesn’t mean you’re not trying, it just means you’ve made a mistake.

Ex. We agree that if one of us oversteps an agreement we will take a 20 minute time out. We will disengage, go to separate rooms, and focus on breathing and self-regulating. After 20 minutes we will come back together and try again.

— 5

Remember that you are on the same team! It’s easy to see conflict as two people being against each other. How can you shift your perspective and move towards finding a way for each person involved to have their feelings heard and their needs met? Remember, you are both fighting FOR the relationship! Of course, if this were an easy task there would probably be less conflict, but simply keeping this at the forefront can really support the process of healthy conflict resolution.

— 6

Finding resolution to conflict can be a great intimacy builder. Learning to weather difficult disagreements is one of the keys to long lasting relationships and is something that is learned over time. No two people are exactly the same, so as long as we are loving other people and being loved by them, we can keep working on our conflict habits and health. The commitment to REPAIR after every conflict keeps relationships strong.

Featured on the Well-pleasured blog at Wellcelium.org