How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Bed

Posted on August 17, 2020 by Michelle Garfinkel, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

There is a common and well-known technique that, if repurposed, can be a crazy powerful boost to your sex life.

Most just use it for stress relief or better focus at work, but it’s key to dealing with one of the most common sexual issues out there: Being distracted during sex.

So many of my clients talk about how hard it is to get out of their head during their most intimate moments. Instead of enjoying it, they feel like they’re performing in a porno or play, consciously thinking through every movement and every position.

They want to just be there with their partner but they can’t help but think about other stuff. Despite herculean efforts to relax into the moment, thoughts about the laundry, the kids, and what their weekend schedule looks like keep popping up. Thoughts are the most persistent and obnoxious of cock-blockers.

This reduces their experience to one of just going through the motions. They get little if any pleasure from it. If they do manage to feel something, they know in their gut it’s just a fraction of what they could be feeling.

It makes for bad sex because your partner can tell that you’re not really there. And if you’re not really there, intimacy, connection, and pleasure can’t be there either. Sex becomes an awkward, half-remembered choreography sequence instead of an intuitive, ecstatic dance between souls.

To be fair, it can be hard to be present. There are so many things that can get in the way! A history of sexual trauma, the low-grade trauma that comes from living in a sexually repressed and patriarchal society, not to mention the distracting hyper-busy nature of a typical modern life, all get in the way of you really being present to what’s going on.

The best approach I’ve found for this is a common practice that is considered a cure-all for so many of our modern ills: Mindfulness (vipassana) meditation. It’s a simple meditation style with a focus on returning to the present moment. Typically, you focus on the breath (or some other object/sensation of focus) and try to not pay attention to your thoughts. When your mind wanders you gently bring it back.

This builds up powerful “U-turn” mental muscles that allow you to catch yourself being distracted. This brings peace and spaciousness to a busy, sporadic mind. This meditation style’s ability to reduce distraction and relieve stress has made it something many apps, corporations, and business leaders have capitalized on.

However, you can leverage it (for free) to get out of your head and into bed with these two tweaks:

Set an intention for your meditation practice before you begin. Something along the lines of, “May this session serve my pleasure and my sexuality,” works well.

Instead of using the breath as your primary point of focus, use the inner, subtle sensations of your pelvis or body. Return to them over and over.

Intention is a powerful thing. A less-than-thrilling exercise can transform into a life-changing process when approached with intention. When you bring the intention of sexuality to your meditation practice, things can change dramatically.

Focusing on the sensations of your body instead of your breath trains your brain for epic sex naturally. By bringing your full focus, your full attention, to the sensations of the present moment during meditation, you’ll naturally start doing that during sex.

Meditating this way helps train your mind to always return to your body’s experience of the present moment. Focus on your pleasure, or whatever sensations you’re feeling. Hold onto them and don’t let go.

If you get distracted, just return to the sensations in the same way you do on the meditation cushion. Over and over and over. With enough repetition, this U-turn will become like muscle memory, taking less and less conscious effort. Once you reliably return to the present sensation during sex, you’ll truly experience the intimacy, connection, epic orgasms, surrender, receiving, juicy-magic of sex that is your birthright.

Because your meditation practice trains you to put the thinking side of you on (relative) mute, it allows the primal, raw, animalistic part of your brain to be the driver of your experience. When you are present, it’s easier to let go of control and just let your body take over. And your body is way better at fucking than your thought-generating mind is.

When you let yourself be the wild animal that all of us are deep down your worries fade. You won’t care what you look like. You won’t care if this you’re in a sexy enough position. You won’t care if/when you orgasm. You won’t care if/when your partner orgasms. You’ll just be in the moment, ravaging your partner and basking in your own sensuality.

Some people worry that this deep focus on their own pleasure means they’ll be neglecting their partner. Depending on the person this might be the case, but from my experience, the level of ecstasy that your partner perceives from you when you’re totally present will make up for any “neglect.” We all want to feel like we’re epic lovers!

We usually don’t think of raw/primal/animalistic and sacred/spiritual/ritualistic in the same context but when it comes to sacred sexuality they are deeply intertwined. As many spiritual teachers have taught through the ages the Divine exists in the present moment. You won’t find Source when thinking about the past and you won’t find the Goddess in worrying about the future. You’ll only touch the Great Mystery when you’re lost in the present moment.

When you’ve found this place of pure presence, of raw pleasure, of deep and total surrender… awakening can happen. You will find freedom, peace, and bliss both physically and spiritually. It goes beyond a good fuck. It turns into an amazing celebration of the Universe and everything in it that stays with you long after the afterglow has faded.

If you do this regularly, you’ll naturally align with your inner source of Truth. Conditioning will soften. Blockages will move. Old wounds will heal. You’ll effortlessly make the decisions in your inner and outer life that you need to thrive. Aliveness and joy will become a natural part of your worldview. Peace and softening will come more naturally to you.

You’ll soften into your spiritual path because your physical body has already experienced the flavor of what you are aiming for. When you surrender to a crazy, full-body orgasm, surrendering your anger, your resentment, your internalized superiority or internalized oppression will come more naturally.

When you fuck in the present moment you live in the present moment. And that’s where all the joy, aliveness, freedom, love, peace, Divinity, ecstasy, pleasure, Universe, intimacy, and connection is. So go meditate and experience sex anew.