Defining Shame: Getting to know the Enemy within
Posted on July 21, 2020 by David Cunningham, One of Thousands of Spirituality Coaches on Noomii.
Negative self-speak can prevent you from achieving your goals for your life. In this article we explore the source of this self-sabotage: shame.
Defining Shame: Getting to know the Enemy within
Everyone makes mistakes in life. Sometimes we make choices that aren’t in alignment with our values. We may feel a twisting in our gut, replay the event over and over or hear a small voice at 3 am that keeps us from going to sleep. This is a normal and healthy reaction. It is guilt…our internal compass reminding us to course correct. Guilt reminds us that what we did was wrong. It calls for correction of behavior, making amends or simply apologizing. The more present an “unmedicated” we are, the louder and clearer this beckoning becomes. Listening to this voice gives us identity (connection to values) and integrity (I am who I say I am).
With guilt often comes shame for the ride. It uses the acknowledgement of wrong doing as evidence of a negative identity. Whereas, guilt says that was wrong, shame says I am wrong (and this wrong doing here is just another piece of evidence to prove it!). It is key to remember that shame is about identity. It is the lens in which we see ourselves…an internalization of external events. This leap from guilt to shame is typically taught to us by our early caretakers. For instance, when as a child you spilled your drink on the table a parent responds with “What is wrong with you? You are so stupid.” This imprints two qualities of shame identity. One, something is wrong with me. Two, I am stupid. The more frequent these events are, the greater chance they are imprinted on the subconscious with the abuse being reinforced internally and becoming the first reaction to a mistake.
Here are a few of the toxic statements of shame:
I’m a mistake,
if you really knew me you wouldn’t like me
I’m broken
I’m fucked up, stupid
I don’t have what it takes
I’m a jerk/asshole/ piece of shit
I am bad, unworthy, unlovable
The world would be better off without me
The subconscious, which is the basic operational program that makes 90% of the decisions behind the scenes is where the identity is stored. It is formed in the first 7 years of our lives. The conscious mind acts like a guard against incoming information shaping the self. This guard isn’t really present in the first years of life. Therefore, trauma early in life in the form of abuse (neglect, verbal, physical) shapes the identity for years to come and is then reinforced through behavior, words and actions subconsciously into adulthood.
Here is the insidious part of all of this. If I believe at my core, I’m a piece of crap, what kind of relationships will I engage in? How will I treat my body, mind, spirit? How will I train others to treat me? What kind of situations and people will I attract? How will I feel when I’m not distracted? What will I do when someone gives me a compliment or tries to really offer me love?
Shame is a self-fulfilling curse…an auto immune disease for the mind. I believe it to be at the root of addiction, self-medication, depression, and much of anxiety, stress, and jealousy. If one hates oneself it makes it incredibly difficult to give or receive love, resulting in isolation and superficial relationships.
If you are suffering from shame there is hope and help available. Hopefully, this article has helped you to understand shame better. If you would like to know more about how to free yourself from shame please contact me or see the article by that name. Thank you.
