Time to say YES to saying NO.
Posted on July 05, 2011 by Ben Dooley, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Many of us have trouble saying NO in the world. We want to say it more, but perhaps we need to look in the other direction and say YES more.
Many folks have trouble saying NO. Which is strange because I was reminded by my best friend’s little boy that 3 year olds have absolutely no problem with exclaiming NO whenever they can. It’s their first favorite word because it’s the first time they begin to feel like they have some power. They can make a choice, and typically they choose “NO” because… well, since it was a bit of a long time ago for me, I’ll just imagine that it creates a feeling of dominance and authority. And for the child, that’s power.
But somewhere along the line we got scared of saying NO and became an instant and automatic YES.
Why is that? When did that occur? Was it when we realized that our NOs can hurt people. Was it when we got hurt by a NO given to us?
Usually, those who have a hard time saying NO also have a hard time hearing NO.
Is that you?
I wonder what it would be like to say “NO” to saying “YES”.
And then say “YES” to saying “NO”.
See? Perhaps it’s really not that hard.
All right, so perhaps that’s helpful, maybe not.
A couple other things to consider is that for every NO there is a corresponding YES. And vice-versa.
If I say YES to eating that triple scoop sundae, then I’m clearly (though unconsciously) saying NO to that hourglass figure.
Most often our YESs and NOs are made automatically, unconsciously, habitually. Getting present to the choice can be powerful.
This can happen by cleanly exploring what the client is you are REALLY choosing or not choosing. And to look at the gifts/consequences from BOTH sides. What is it that I’m REALLY saying YES and NO to? (now we’re entering the realm of little agenda vs. Big Agenda)
If I say YES to the triple ice cream sundae, then I’m saying YES to my cravings. I’m saying YES to my instant gratification. I’m saying YES to my sweet tooth. I’m saying YES to having fun with my friends. I’m saying YES to perhaps gaining weight. I’m saying YES to getting a sugar rush late at night. I’m saying YES to feeling crappy in the morning. I’m saying YES to treating myself. Etc.
And also list all the NOs that come into play. I’m saying NO to my health. I’m saying NO to my integrity. I’m saying NO to my willpower. I’m saying NO to all the rules. I’m saying NO to my diet. I’m saying NO to feeling that I don’t deserve it.
Look for the “positive” and “negative” feelings that arise on both sides. Not all NOs are bad and all YESs are good. It’s the context they’re in and the meaning that we give them.
The other thing that this points to is not so much that the client has we have a hard time saying NO, it’s that the YES may be automatic. By making a conscious and intentional YES, that can open the door to an empowered NO when appropriate.
So instead of learning how to say NO, perhaps the client needs we just need to learn how to powerfully say YES.
-ben dooley, PCC (but I roll like an MCC)
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