Accept, Adapt, Move Forward: Developing Emotional Resilience

Posted on June 09, 2020 by Bobbi Beuree, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

In working with the concept of resilience for many years, I realized that the research often uses the phrase “bounce back” to describe what happens after experiencing a challenging situation. It got me thinking about the various challenges I’ve faced throughout my life and I realized just how inaccurate that phrase, “bounce back”, really is. It seems to imply that a person magically returns to being exactly who and how they were, before whatever incident it was knocked them sideways or, in some cases, took them to their knees. I realized that every situation we experience, especially the challenging ones, have a direct impact on us and change us at a core level. For that reason, I’ve come to view resilience as being more about “forging ahead” than “bouncing back”.

Developing emotional resilience doesn’t mean that we are no longer going to experience challenging, and at times core-shaking, situations. Or, that we won’t still experience our full range of emotions, including the painful ones. What it does mean is that instead of getting swept up in and carried away by our emotions in challenging situations, we can mindfully hold a space to acknowledge, process, and accept what is happening. We can draw on our inner strength that has developed from navigating difficult experiences in the past, and remind ourselves that “this too shall pass”.

What has helped me so much during challenging times has been developing a practice of radical acceptance. In the book Radical Acceptance – Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha, by Tara Brach, she writes, “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening, or intense. It is the necessary antidote of years of neglecting ourselves, years of rejecting this moment’s experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom”.

Now, this does not mean that because we accept the current reality of our circumstances, we are choosing to intentionally stay stuck in situations that are difficult. It does not mean that we are not striving for better in our lives. It also does not mean that we passively accept things that make us unhappy or unfulfilled, or give up our power to create change. It simply means that, in the moment, we practice fully accepting the reality of what is. We develop the mindset that we aren’t able to see the big picture and that perhaps this very difficult situation is a necessary lesson to propel us further along in our quest to grow, adapt, and create our ideal life.

You may be thinking, “well, that’s easier said than done!” And it’s true, it’s not easy to shift our thinking in this way because our unconscious belief system and lightning-quick thought processes are dictating our perception and interpretation of what is happening. Our brains have evolved to look for things that will hurt us or things that are difficult and then focus in on them. It’s a helpful safety and survival feature, but not exactly helpful for our mental health. The goal in self-empowerment is to learn to catch those conditioned impulses and reactions. We can take a mindful pause and then respond, from a more conscious place, rather than reacting in a habitual way that often causes more stress, pain, and problems than were already attached to the initial situation!

Practicing radical acceptance when we are faced with a challenging situation is a skill that requires practice and luckily, life gives us lots of opportunities to do just that. The goal is not to eliminate emotions you may experience in relation to what’s happening – it’s important to allow for feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, or any of our other wide range of emotions. The goal is to feel those feelings, while also accepting the situation as it is. Remember, we don’t have to like it or want it to be happening, but we choose to accept it instead of dwelling and resisting, which ultimately does not work and only succeeds in depleting our energy and making us more miserable than we were initially.

Let’s use as an example a pretty common one: you are unhappy in your current job, but are unable, for financial reasons, to leave that situation. You have a choice in how you navigate this experience. You can complain about it to anyone who will listen, telling them just how much you hate it, all the while constantly reminding yourself of the same thing, “I hate this, it’s not fair that other people like their job and I don’t!” We are essentially resisting every moment of our current experience.

Can you feel your stress, anger, and frustration building?! Alternatively, you can choose another response – you can empower yourself by accepting that this is your reality, not forever, but just for now. And you can make the most of it! Instead of giving all that energy to your resistance of the situation, you can switch gears and direct that energy into adapting, planning, and taking action instead. It’s basically like saying, “okay, this is the situation. And this is how I feel about it. I may not like or want it, but I can accept it for now. And now, how do I want to handle it?”

Here are a few tips:
- When you find yourself emotionally reacting to a situation, take a mindful, in-the-moment pause. Take a few deep breaths and “check in”. Tune in to your thoughts, asking, “what are my thoughts saying about this?” If the thoughts are upsetting or emotion-laden, try putting a bit of distance between you and the thoughts. A simple ACT strategy that loosens the mind’s grip on accepting every thought we have as fact is to say to yourself (internally – or externally, if you like), “I’m having the thought that….”. For example, “I’m having the thought that I really hate my job and wish I didn’t have to work there anymore.” You can even give a little more distance by saying “I notice that I’m having the thought that I hate my job…”

Can you see how creating that little bit of space from your thoughts has the ability to calm the emotions related to the situation? Can you see how it’s more constructive and less stressful than continuing on with, “I really hate my job and wish I didn’t have to work there anymore!!"

- Check in on what emotions are coming up. “Does this remind me of other situations in the past? Can I take a breath and let those emotions pass on through without clinging onto them or letting them take me over? Can I see how my thoughts are affecting my emotions?"

- Ask yourself, “Am I able to acknowledge what I can and cannot control in this situation and choose to focus on what is within my control, while accepting what is not?”

A helpful philosophy to keep in mind related to practicing radical acceptance is this: “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” Choosing to practice acceptance, in the moment, even in situations we do not like, essentially removes the suffering. Resilience is strengthened when we are able to overcome a difficult experience in a mindful way. Each time, new insights are gained, and we develop healthier and more effective coping strategies.

Keep in mind, changing our relationship to the challenging situations we encounter takes practice, so it’s important to also practice self-compassion. Know that we are all human and by no means perfect. There are going to be times when you react in an unconscious, habitual manner, rather than responding from a tuned-in, conscious place. But the important thing in the end is this: did you take a bit of time to process and learn whatever lesson was attached to the experience in order to be able to learn and grow from it? Don’t worry, if you feel like you didn’t handle a challenging situation as well as you would have liked, there’s always next time!