What's the Big Deal About Being an Ally?
Posted on May 04, 2020 by Gina DeRosa, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
"Be an ally" is not a trendy buzzphrase or a mere cry for help - it's a humbling reminder that inclusion and equality are works in progress, like us.
(Original blog post from 12/08/2019. See all posts on Sixth Gear Series’ site.)
“Until people are comfortable and free to express themselves as who they are, we shouldn’t rest.” – Brian Rosenworcel (Guster)
When you hear or read the directive: “Be an ally,” how does that resonate with you? To what extent do you serve as an ally to others? What is there about you that you need allies for?
The word ally originates from the Latin word alligare, which means “to bind to.” Similar words include friend, helper, supporter, partner, associate, collaborator. When you create an alliance with someone, you are associating, joining, affiliating, aligning, or simply connecting with them in some way.
So, here’s my next question for you: What’s the big deal about “being an ally”?
Consider people who experience differing and negative treatment if not pure discrimination and harassment because of their status in “protected classes,” which include but are not limited to: Race, national origin, religion, disability, age, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Additionally, consider people who have similarly negative experiences as a result of others’ inexperience, misconceptions, or other lack of knowledge or agreement about their life choices or their attributes.
This morning, I had a moving discussion with a peer coach. She is a married mother of four sons, an entrepreneur, a full-time employee of an au pair matching program, a volunteer for a non-profit domestic violence advocacy and support organization, and founder of a grassroots youth volunteer campaign. We were talking about ‘mother-shaming,’ a concept that Brené Brown describes eloquently in her book Daring Greatly.
In a nutshell, Brené Brown describes the various ways in which women experience mother-shaming – if you have children, you have too many or not enough or not the right mix of genders; if you don’t have children, you are pitied and considered damaged if you can’t have them or weird if you don’t want them. So, take Julie and I for example: Julie is a mother of four sons, and I am childless by choice. Julie experiences mother-shaming by people who ask questions like…Are you going to try for a girl? Why do you have so many children? Are you sad that you have all boys? Weren’t you a little young when you had your first? I experience it when people ask me questions like…When are you going to have children? Not even one? Are you unable to have children? So, you’re a Crazy Dog Lady, then?
That anecdote, much like the one I shared in my post about unconscious bias, pales in comparison to the severity of negative treatment, discrimination, harassment, etc. that others experience because of their race, gender, whatever. However, I shared it because, much like my piercing and tattoo stories, it demonstrates that everyone needs an ally. Thus, we need to keep our eyes and ears open to the invisible as much as the obvious.
Diversity, equality and inclusion expert Jennifer Brown describes an ally’s journey as a continuum of four phases: Unaware, Aware, Active, and Advocate. Throughout your lifelong journey on this continuum, Jennifer Brown posits that you are consistently engaging in re-evaluation, a process that one should commit to making as conscious an effort as possible.
Additionally, I’ve heard the following statement – a straightforward yet beautifully comprehensive one – that perfectly describes how to be an ally:
You don’t have to be one to join one.
What it means is that you can be yourself while accepting others for who they are and supporting them when they need it. To be an ally to someone with attributes or choices different from yours, you don’t have to morph yourself to physically or otherwise take on their attributes or choices; rather, you simply have to:
1) Care. Open your mind and your heart to other people who are different from you in any way.
2) Look. Consciously pay attention to your thoughts about, and behaviors towards, everyone whom you passively observe or actively interact with.
3) Learn. Knowledge is power only when you use it, so ask questions and be a student of others’ experiences. (People will thank you for expressing genuine curiosity instead of making assumptions!)
4) Listen. Hearing their words and understanding their feelings will allow you to develop empathy for what they live through.
5) Advocate. Whether you speak up, wear the pins, fly the flags, etc. – just do something to show your support and commitment to bettering the world around you.
I’m definitely not an authority on diversity, equality, and inclusion, but I AM a champion of human potential and I AM an ally committed to improving every day. When we hold ourselves to the standards that we have for others, we treat others the way we wish to be treated, and the world becomes a better place to live in: THAT’S the big deal about being an ally. We’re all a work in progress, so making a commitment to be better and do better every day, for not only ourselves but also everyone around us, we will help raise the bar on the relationships and quality of life in our homes, workplaces, communities, and beyond.
