That Painful Conversation Was Actually an Amygdala Hijack

Posted on March 01, 2020 by Michele Stills, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

Here’s a communication progression that you may recognize:

You’re conversing on the phone, in person, via text, etc.
Something goes wrong
Someone, or everyone, now feels that the conversation took a nosedive

You may not be able to identify what happened or how you feel, but something changed, and there are now bad or unidentifiable feelings; you may not know where you stand in the conversation or with this person in general. You feel stressed and may also be angry, hurt, or feel invalidated.

We can’t discuss what happened, or effective communication, without talking about our amygdalas, i.e., our lizard brains, because what has happened is that somewhere along the way something was said that sent a red-alert to your brain. What happens next is some cool neuroscience, and if you know about it, you can use it to change your relationships, one conversation at a time.

Amygdala Hijack is a term created by Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence. An amygdala hijack is an immediate emotional response that is overwhelming, and is, or seems, disproportionate to the situation. It almost always results in losing control of the conversation. Whether the hijack is caused by significant change and disruption, or a conversational misstep, the results of an amygdala hijack can range from feeling shut down and becoming silent to losing your temper and getting too loud. Either way, the conversation has now become an impediment to your relationship.

You will now carry this conversation, and all of its baggage, into your next interaction, possibly with a stranger in the check-out line at The CoOp – or home to your partner. This is the bad conversation that keeps on giving, a nasty cycle that won’t end until you end it mindfully and intentionally.

How to end the cycle: Every conversation you have has the power to change your relationship with that person – to be transformative or degenerative. Please don’t yell at the kid bagging your groceries, or the guy in the parking lot who left his cart in a parking spot, and don’t flip-off the diesel that pulled out in front of you. Doing those things will only keep feeding what you feel now, and likely assure that every one of those folks has a day like you’re having.

Every experience we have – every conversation, revelation, pain or joy, shapes and reshapes our brains, if we let them. If we guide them, we can rewire and reshape our brains and our lives. So, how do you end the cycle? Change any one of the conversations or interactions that I mentioned above and you’ve already started to change your communication story. When you pause for just 12 seconds and breathe (counting to 12 aloud or in your head will help), you can stop an amygdala hijack.

When you don’t yell at the kid or the guy, and you don’t flip off the diesel or do whatever you would normally do, but already know doesn’t work, you’ve already started rewiring your brain.