Posted on February 25, 2014 by Charlie Vensel

You’ve hit your forties, or are about to, and things are a little different now. What used to motivate you no longer does and you haven’t felt deep satisfaction in quite some time.

Perhaps it’s your job, a relationship, or just life in general. The challenges keep piling up and you rise to meet them, only to find a whole new set of them on the other side. You are no longer naïve, thinking, “When I get this behind me, I can finally enjoy life.” You are frustrated and restless, and, you’ve got a pretty good dose of angst welling up inside.

Are you having a midlife crisis?

7 Signs That You Might Be Having a Midlife Crisis

1. Persistent Dissatisfaction

You have reached most of your goals thus far, but find yourself asking, “Is this as good as it gets?” So far the answers are not satisfactory and a sense of futility is settling in.

2. Inauthenticity

You are wondering if you have not lost a part of yourself over the years, asking, “Is this really who I am? What happened to that person I used to be? I always thought it would be different; at least by now?” You know that you are not being true to yourself.

3. Insignificance

You accomplish a lot of things, but wonder, “Do I really make a difference?” You often find yourself dreaming about something more, but feel life is passing you by, and it doesn’t reach back to make sure you’re along for the ride.

4. Shallow Commitments

The thought of enduring the status quo is depressing, but you keep recommitting to it with less and less enthusiasm each time. You vow to stay the course because you have too much at stake. You are discouraged.

5. Relational Tension

You find yourself blaming the others around you for the way you feel: your spouse, your kids, your parents, your boss, your peers, or perhaps it is the proverbial, they, or, The Man. You are wondering if life would not be easier and happier without the people who keep “holding you back.”

6. Leaking

You are bored to tears. You are doing and saying things that are out of character for you in order to feel a little excitement, even if they are not helpful. Old habits are rearing their ugly heads again, and moral & ethical boundaries are becoming blurry. You are no longer able to contain your frustration; you have managed to keep it yourself for a while, but others are starting to notice.

6. Recapturing Youth

In order to feel alive, visible, or significant again, you revert to what worked for you in your youth. Perhaps it’s a younger-looking wardrobe, a cool (or cute) new car, physical improvements (real and artificial), or risky behaviour. 

If you identified with several of the warning signs, be careful. You are in the danger zone. Identification with several items indicates that you are likely in a transition, an in-between time in your personal development. They are often challenging and careful decisions must be made to navigate them well.

Major Life Transitions

There are many transitions in life. Positive ones include stepping into a job promotion, marriage, or parenthood. Others, not so positive, like losing your job, an unexpected death, or divorce. But, there are also major life transitions common to all of us, based on age and stage in life. The midlife crisis happens to fall into that latter group.

Terry Walling, founder of LeaderBreakthru & author of, STUCK! Navigating the Transitions of Life & Leadership, draws from research on hundreds of historical and contemporary leaders to define three major life transitions:

• The awakening transition (often occurring somewhere in the 20s-30s).
• The deciding transition (often occurring in the 45+ age range).
• The finishing transition (often occurring somewhere in the late 50s-early 60s).

The “Awakening” Transition

The awakening transition is primarily about learning what we can do. In our twenties to thirties, we begin to understand our calling and catch glimpses of our life purpose. However, many of us end up getting sidetracked here, calling the past idealism while settling for pragmatism going forward as our responsibilities in life only increase; we lose the forest for the trees. This works pretty well for a decade or two, and there are usually plenty of positives along the way to keep us motivated in it. However, once we have some perspective behind us, we start to feel something stirring below the water line.

The “Deciding” Transition

Happening around the mid-forties, the deciding transition is commonly called The Midlife Crisis. We will know that we have hit this transition when we have exhausted the awakening transition and are no longer satisfied by its rewards and don’t really know what to do next. A sense of futility overwhelms us. The tools in our toolbox no longer work. What used to bring feelings of fulfillment now brings feelings of fraud. We find ourselves asking, “Is this as good as it gets?”

What’s lurking below the water line is much bigger than we could of imagined. We start questioning, “Who am I really? What happened to me? Can I make any kind of unique impact in the world around me? Do I matter?” If the awakening transition is about determining what we can do, the deciding transition is about determining who we can be.

The crisis comes as we see how little of the iceberg is above the water line (what we can do, and where we are) compared to how much of it is below the water line (who we can be, and where we are supposed to go). It is often a starling comparison.

Three Choices

We have three choices before us when confronted with the deciding transition. The first two use a tactics from the awakening transition.

1. Recapture What Worked

For example, a forty-something year-old man tries to recapture what worked for him in his youth to make him feel significant; a shiny new convertible, a hipper wardrobe, perhaps starts working out again, maybe sees a doctor about a Cialis prescription even if he doesn’t need it, maybe starts exploring relationships that had previously been “off limits”, or initiating a divorce so he can feel the freedom to conquer the world like he did when he was younger. This is immaturity.

Or, a forty-something year-old woman tries to recapture what worked for her in her youth to make her feel visible and significant; reclaiming her figure, a new sexy and form-fitting wardrobe, maybe reigniting on old flame on Facebook that leads to an affair, or initiating a divorce so she can feel independent for the first time in a long time, perhaps the first time ever. This too is immaturity.

2. Focus on Known Competencies

The second choice is to dig-in for the fight, relying on our competence that got us through tough times before; doubling up on the efforts to work harder, sucking it up for another 20-25 years; just too many responsibilities at stake.

The person becomes bitter and angry, might try to medicate with food, alcohol, pornography, or risky behavior simply to feel alive again. The person begins blaming everyone else for “holding them down,” and fantasizes about how much easier life would be without those people. He or she “leaks” and leaves a wake of relational tension behind them. This is stubbornness, and it too is immaturity.

3. Grow and Change

The third choice is to mature. It is answering the call to grow out of the awakening transition into the deciding transition. The awakening transition is about doing and its motivations are duty and obligation. The deciding transition is about being and its motivations are living out of vision and passion; that which has been stirring inside of us all along, but not really expressed before. That is confusing, unsettling, and sometimes chaotic. Yet, maturity is moving through all of that into the authentic life, understanding self, answering, “Of all the good things I could do and be, what are the best things?” and then doing something about it.

The Fear

Part of the angst in this transition is the fear that we are going to have to go on to do something totally different, like quitting our jobs, moving to a new town, starting a new business, going back to school to retool for an unrelated career, or selling everything to scale down and live like paupers so we can try making a living at our hobby. That is radical change and not for the faint at heart. Yet, for some it might well be what the doctor ordered, especially if their present life is so far away from who they really are called to be. Sometimes people recognize they have spent their whole life meeting others’ expectations and never stopped to ask, “What do I want?” They would likely have some pretty radical changes ahead of them too.

The Reality

But for most, the reality is that it doesn’t take a radical change in what we do, but only a subtle shift in who we are; a shift in our core motivations. We may well, probably will, keep our same jobs and live in the same town, but we do it from a different place. From the outside, our responsibilities look the same, our doing remains in place, but on the inside, our role has changed as we grow into who we were meant to be. We then work out of a sense of fulfilling our calling, not out of meeting an obligation. At that point, our “work” becomes “service.” Suddenly the pressure is off, the blood starts flowing again, our color comes back, and life is a lot more satisfying.

The “Finishing” Transition

There is another major life transition that will come later. It is the finishing transition, peaking in the late fifties to early sixties. There, we begin to hear whispers of finishing well and start thinking in terms of legacy, “What can I leave behind that matters? Whom can I pour myself into?” It is another great growth opportunity, and a beautiful thing when it is done well. However, I do not have the room to go into it in this article.

Stuck In The “Deciding” Transition

Many people get “stuck” in the in-between times, especially during the deciding transition. We lose a lot of people here. They stop growing and many, out of immaturity, turn their midlife angst into full-blown midlife crises.

Help Navigating The Transitions

We need clarity; we rarely find it alone. When we are stuck, we need help. Here are a few things that can you help navigate the deciding transition.

1. Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, rest, and do some things just for fun. These types of things do wonders to keep the head on straight.

2. Journal about what you are thinking, feeling, and sensing. Journaling can be a great way to prime the pump and mine for critical insights and find much needed self-awareness. It will also allow you to take more responsibility for your thoughts, words, and actions, preserving relational integrity.

3. Find someone to talk to that has made it through the transition already. Wisdom from the other side is a great thing. Most of us need more of it. There are plenty of people out there who have made it through.

4. Find someone to hold you accountable so that your mid-life angst doesn’t become a mid-life crisis. It is no mere coincidence that this is the time when so many relationships fail, businesses go south, and otherwise perfectly sane people start doing and saying some pretty crazy things.

5. Hire a coach. A coach is trained to help you navigate transitions. He or she will provide a confidential ear, hold you accountable, help uncover who you really are, help articulate a renewed vision for your life, and help develop a plan that supports new thinking, behaviours, and circumstances designed to engage your life and set you up for the third transition, finishing well.