Posted on December 29, 2011 by Beth Meredith and Eric Storm
For many children, birthdays and holidays unleash a thrilling swirl of getting. Piles of presents and sparkling decorations â€â€so much to take in! As adults our focus shifts as we become the bestower of gifts, the singer of songs, and the magic makers. With maturity we come to embrace the joys on the other side of the equation. The wish list is replaced by the gift list. Despite the many foibles, there is a kernel of magic at the core of our celebrations: the transformative power of giving and receiving.
Remember the story of Stone Soup? Starting with a stone and some water, a delicious meal is created as each villager offers a morsel of carrots, potatoes, etc. to the pot. With every contribution, they progressively create something greater than is individually possible, something nourishing to both the belly and the soul.
This story demonstrates how our well being grows with the free flow of give and take. When we are moved to give, especially a bit more than we’ve taken, we experience an ever upward spiral of positive relationships and benefits. Our lives are enriched as we exchange resources and feel a greater sense of connection, trust, and belonging.
Every giver needs a receiver, and so we personally need to be able to both give and receive for the spiral to ascend. Without this balance, even our closest relationships will wind down, particularly when:
- someone gives all the time. (Raise your hands all you perennial helpers.)
- someone gives less than they generally receiveâ€â€the takers and the stingy.
- someone is unwilling to receive. (This is also known as fasting, including those who can never tell you what they want. Sigh.)
There are exceptions to this dynamic in the case of caring for children and others who are incapacitated in some way. In these situations it is appropriate for the more able adults to do most of the giving. However, for most of us most of the time, the guidelines above apply.
We first learn about this dynamic with our parents and siblings. Our view of the worldâ€â€it’s relative abundance and scarcityâ€â€is shaped by these relationships which are beyond our control as children. That is why as adults, if we choose, the year’s celebrations can become a time of healing and transformation. In the depths of the darkest seasons we have the opportunity to stretch beyond our usual reach to take in heaps and heaps of the wonderful, and, in return, to be gloriously generous with others.
When celebrations approach, there is still the question of what to give. Fortunately people are their own best clue and tend to give what they want. This is why our practical aunt gives us underwear, our crazy uncle a pet tarantula, and our mom a box of Thank You notes. More clues can be found by considering preferences we have for expressing and feeling love. In Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love he offers, you guessed it, five different ways to say I care:
- Words of Affirmation: saying (and meaning!) what you appreciate about someone.
- Acts of Service: helping out in a way that lifts a burden.
- Quality Time: offering undistracted and focused attention (electronic devices off!)
- Gifts: finding just the right gift with an emphasis on thoughtfulness.
- Physical Touch: sharing a warm hug and appropriate affection (relationship dependent, of course).
Again, your loved one’s preference is most often revealed by what they give you. Still not sure? Ask them directly (what a sweet conversation that could be!) or, let them take a free online test. In addition, you can let others know what type of loving rocks your boat. To this end, for anybody with an upcoming celebration, we offer the following Clip and Share:
“What I would really like from you is:_______________________.â€Â
Want to dig a little deeper into your giving and receiving patterns? Explore the questions below and try a 30-day experiment with one person you know.
Explore:
– Is it easier for you to give or to receive?
– What challenges you with giving? With receiving? How does this impact your relationships?
– Which expressions of love are most important to you and your loved ones?
Experiment:
Choose one relationship you want to change for the better and find a way to modify your behavior over the next 30 days. Always giving? Try pulling back and enjoy receiving. Always taking? Try giving more. Never taking? Tell people what you really want and then really enjoy it.
Thank you for a nice read on synergy and equilibrium in giving.
Thanks, Rick.
We enjoy writing essays on topics like this. Something useful, but taking the topic a little deeper than usual. We do one each month.
Cheers!
Eric (& Beth)
Have been in a giving/receiving spiral with these 2 for years and it keeps getting better. Thanks for their monthly insights.
Wonderful and thoughtful article to add a new perspective the the holidays. I also like how you give people practical tools and exercises they can use to make their giving and receiving more conscious. Thanks for the great info.
Always appreciate how your articles are so timely and original. In my life I surround myself by givers since I am one but your point on receiving graciously is equally as important. Thank you again Eric and Beth and keep the articles coming!
I always enjoy the Create the Good Life essays and this was an especially insightful one. Thanks, Beth & Eric!
Great article. Loved clip and share suggestion: “What I would really like from you is:” I am going to use that this year for birthdays and see what comes up. I find it is often difficult for some to ask for what they want. It would be a true exercise for both sides – the giver and the receiver. Often times as givers, we are giving what is just easy to give and perhaps not really wanted. Thank-you for the wonderful tools.
I’m willing to bet this is true for most adults by far: try to give your kids more of your time.
Thoughtful and well written piece. Reminds me of a workshop I attended once where attendees self identifed as either “givers” or “takers” and these labels where later matched with the opinions of others in the group at the end of the session. Most often people thought of themselves as “givers”, while the opinions of others brought the percentage closer to 50-50!
I like the content and form of this article. The spiral image is a good one for what the authors want to say. I hope this article gets wide distribution and would suggest that the authors send it to various places for publication.
Your writing has really been getting rich lately – quite welcome perspective in the modern world. Good work, you guys. Thank you.
Great article, I really appreciate your style and approach! Let’s see, “What I would really like from you is: for you guys to write a book.
Thanks for all you do!
Great writing, Its always wonderful to read work. thanks Chris
Inspiring article! You two present a unique and refreshing look at what it really means to give and receive, and you suggest good ideas for self-exploration. I especially liked the emphasis on meaningful, non-material giving and receiving.
Wonderful piece with lots of effective ideas. I’ve seen many couples who are unbalanced in giving and receiving, often causing downward spirals. But as you so eloquently state, when there is a good flow of giving and receiving, there is energy, vitality and hope.
Very warm and insightful advice..we all need to hear these words in order to allow ourselves to be the people we want to be. Yes, It is hard for “givers” to ask for something, but they love to be asked! Very will written and fun to read!
Giving thanks to you for allowing me to receive these kind words.
This article is so simple and relevant year round, reminding us all of what is TRULY important. I subscribe to their newsletter so I can get a regular dose of their good, solid, heartfelt wisdom. Thanks Beth and Eric!
This column is especially timely for me around the holiday times, as I’ve been thinking of these subjects in relation to friends and family. In my family the holidays are more about getting together and enjoying each others company, telling jokes, and of course, eating, not so much giving presents.
I haven’t thought of it this way (it’s more of a cycle for me, rather than a spiral), but the way you put it it certainly makes sense.
“Write a book” is a good one.
I love to read the things you write. You always inspire me to think differently, or expand my thoughts to things that will make me ultimately happier in this life. Thank you for your efforts, here and always.
Kimberly
Thank you for this insightful article! At this time of year I am often discouraged by imbalances in giving and receiving especially pertaining to consumerism. After reading this, I realized that there is room for balancing within my own being. Well of course there is! So lovely to see and recognize it. Thanks again for this and all the wonderful work that you do in the world….
Thanks for all the great comments and feedback. We really appreciate hearing from you all.
So, two questions for you …
~ Are you more a “giver” or a “receiver” (or balanced)?
~ Is there something from the essay that you are planning to try out or put into practice?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Eric & Beth
I think I tend to be more of a giver, although I do have some relationships where I am more of a receiver. I am going to practice rejoicing in what I want and unabashedly asking for what I want!
Giver (I think my wife would agree!), working on balance.
I’m using the 5 Languages of Love, that is a very helpful reminder for me. It can be hard to break out of my own habit, but I’ve been creating a new habit (using more words of affirmation).
Thanks you two!
I tend towards the giving end, to say the least – to the point where I had developed chronic fatigue …… Have worked much over the last 15 years since then to overcome my discomfort with receiving…….. I’m much more balanced now, but there’s always more to do……..
Oh, and I think your essay has reminded me most of the need to perfect (or at least to practice!) the art of asking for what I want…….. Many years ago, that was probably among my least favorite activities!
I think most people are givers but choose to give in different ways. I was raised in a family that values volunteerism and so giving of my time is most natural (and satisfying) for me. My husband was raised in a family that gave a percentage of income to charity and he has never stopped that practice. I have friends that are neither volunteers or big donors but are extremely generous with their advice, knowledge, and practical problem solving abilities.
My big “take away” from your article is to remember to acknowledge those around me as I see their generosity in whatever form it takes.
Beth and Eric, thank-you for creating a platform for us to give this topic some very worthy thought. I am really not so big on giving a lot of material gifts, I do give some, but I much more enjoy, creating space to have people I love and care about come to spend time together doing something fun and different from the ordinary. Many of the Christmas gifts that I gave this year were, theater and ballet/dance tickets. One of the gifts we gave our 6 year old granddaughter was tickets to the Chinese Dragon Acrobats along with special calender so that she could count the days. This gave all of us something to look forward to doing together. The nicest thing about experiential gifts is the lasting memories they create for the giver and the receiver. How often can we not remember what gift we got for a particular occasion, but we almost always remember a fun event shared with someone special.
I feel like I’m fairly balanced between giving and receiving. It often depends on the situation and the person. I think the best way to give to some people is to allow yourself to be the receiver of their gifts of wisdom, time or talent, or even material gifts. After reading your essay, I was prompted to reassess my love languages and discovered that acts of service ranked higher than anything else. So does that make me more of a receiver, then, after all? …..
I’d say I’m fairly balance in giving and receiving and find the more I’m given to, the more I want to give back. I like the exploration part of the exercises, especially the question: What challenges you with giving? With receiving? How does this impact your relationships? This question if explored rigorously can yield many fruitful insights.
thanks for the article, the great image of the spiral, and the followup questions.
i find that i balance giving and taking, but there are certain people and situations with whom i give more, and others with whom i take more.
i’d like to develop more of a balance within each of my relationships and work/personal situations. great insights.
At times I can give WAY too much and then I find that I get resentful and frustrated. At other times, I find I can ask for WAY too much and others get resentful. Sometimes, just like Goldilocks, I get it “JUST RIGHT”. I just try to keep being aware of when I’m over and when I’m under and keep working towards that balance line. Thanks for helping to keep this topic in my awareness.
I’ve been thinking about rather I am more a giver or receiver. I think that I put out more than I take in. I would like to balance this more. It does depend on the situation and my own feelings about the context, which is so important.
I’m a balanced giver/receiver. I will work on asking for more specifics for those I give to.
It’s a thought provoking article. Thank you!
thanks for a wonderful insight and reminder of how important it is to receive as well as to give! the person who refuses to receive gets to be exhausting to be around after while, from my experience. there is a giving in receiving, too.
~ Are you more a “giver†or a “receiver†(or balanced)?
I’d like to think of myself as balanced. I’m an awkward receiver.
WOW! Such thoughtful insights. Thanks to everyone, and we look forward to further explorations and conversations.
Eric & Beth
The most meaningful practice for me would be to express appreciation more often and more deeply. I think this lays the ground for acts of service, which is another area that I would like to give more energy to.
I am a giver but now, I’m practicing the asking with great results. It cements friendships..so all parties feel they are contributing and needed.
I don’t know why asking feels weak and those who pride them selfs on being independent or strong have a hard time to ask for help, when in actually, those who have a strong support system are survivors.
In general, I tend to be more of a giver than a receiver, but there are many nuances there. I get so much love and support from my family and close friends which weighs in heavy on my scale. That love and support allows me to give so much of my time, energy, money and love back to the community. I guess this is the spiral effect! The community and the future are definitely the beneficiaries of the generosity of my friends and family. Love this article! Thank you.
This article really got me thinking about my giving and receiving style. I am more of a giver and find it difficult to receive. I mostly offer acts of service & affirmations. I’m getting better at receiving, yet need to practice accepting others’ gifts in the same “pay-it-forward” spirit that I tend to give. Yes, this is uncomfortable. Experimenting as suggested in this article is a great way to try on new patterns. Thank you for some wonderful food for thought!
I love “what can I give you that would make you happy” *that doesn’t come from a store…
Nicely written
Thank you for a very inspiring and timely article!
I am pretty balanced on giving and receiving these days, but I’m still working on feeling like I should give back as soon as I receive; I need to relax in that hiatus for a bit. Take it in, enjoy. Of the suggestions you two made, I’ve tried “What I would really like from you is__________.” I’m making myself stay with that statement without immediately thinking about what I can do to pay back. A good challenge!
this is solid advice that i can take to heart! the 30 day challenge is worth exploring and seeing what develops.
Great article, thanks!
I consider myself more of a giver, especially when it comes to feeding my partner. I feel guilty when he cooks for me….