Posted on December 18, 2011 by Rachel French
I’ll just come right out and say it: giving is easy. My family celebrates Christmas, and birthdays, and anniversaries in the same way many of us doâ€â€by giving each other presents. I’ve got four sisters, and after decades of knowing these women, sharing clothes and make-up, watching them in their hobbies and jobs and with their own families, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what they like, so picking out gifts isn’t very difficult. We all tend to shop at the same places, and we all appreciate what twenty dollars can buy at our favorite stores, so deciding how much to spend is almost automatic. And luckily, I like my sisters, so seeing them open a gift and show genuine delight isâ€â€well, a delight. See? Giving is easy!
Understanding Our Motivation in Giving
It’s actually getting a bit funny with the gift-giving these days. My sisters and I have often exchanged identical gift cards on the holidays, for the same amounts, for the same stores. Isn’t that silly? The thought was there, I suppose, and we all played it safe. Everybody is happy, if not a bit amused.
Like with my sisters and our gift cards, giving can sometimes be so automatic that neither the giver nor the receiver benefits much or feels too terribly warm and fuzzy. The truth is that many of us give what is easy to give. We probably all know people who write fat checks to the local soup kitchen, but would never step up to the stove. Or folks who spend their time down at the animal shelter, but would never give money. Either way, givers are to be admired and not judged. But have we looked at our own giving habits to see where our motivations are?
Do we give money because that is what is needed most, or because it is the easiest thing for us to part with? Are we really too busy to give our time, or does helping in person make us uncomfortable? If we are giving freely of our time, is it because that is what is desperately needed, or is it that we’re stingy with our hard-earned money, or maybe getting ego strokes by showing up face-to-face?
If we’re honest with ourselves, many of us give when and where and how it feels the best for us. When giving is easy and convenient and comfortableâ€â€sign us up! But if we have to step outside our comfort zone, or work alongside people we don’t know or like very much, or give up a luxury to make that donation, we might completely opt out.
I’m guilty. I admit it. Growing up, I participated in a lot of service projects through my church youth group. I would have denied it vehemently at the time, but I can admit now that I was most likely to participate if all the charity and social stars were in alignment:
- my friends were going,
- a boy I liked was going,
- there was nothing better going on,
- I was interested in the activity, and/or
- I wouldn’t have to get my hands or my clothes too dirty.
Yes, I can look back at the teenage version of myself, and think, “Tsk-tsk, you selfish young lady!†Ah, with age has come such wisdom!
But wait a minute. Have I matured and ripened into a selfless, altruistic giver-of-all-things? Am I now giving what is needed most, or am I still giving what is easiest to part with? I can answer this quickly, albeit sheepishly, for myself. The answer isn’t pretty.
All giving is good, of course. But I am convinced that when when we give where it is needed most, and when we sacrifice something in the process, everyone benefits a little more.
It is in this particular spirit of giving that I am giving up a piece of my pride and making a confession of sorts. There are a few things I really need to give right now that are uncomfortable, and while they are small things, they are the things that are needed most, and it will require some genuine effort for me to give them. It’s a bit embarrassing to lay oneself out like this, but it’s worth it if doing so gets us all thinking about the really important gifts needed this season, and all seasons.
1. Give It a Rest, Already
What is “it†that needs a rest? Our nagging, harping, criticism of something that someone else is doingâ€â€or not doing. Maybe your spouse eats too much, or your kid’s room is always messy, or your friend won’t stop complaining about a toxic job or relationship. We’ve tried nagging. Has it worked? Obviously not, so this season, let’s give the criticism a rest and give our loved ones a reprieve from our judgments and tongue-lashings.
2. Give the Benefit of the Doubt
People say things the wrong way all the time, but we don’t need to clobber them for it. We don’t need to be so easily offended. We don’t need to judge all the time. What good does it do us anyway? Before we jump into either the defensive or offensive modes, we can stop ourselves and make sure that we are assuming good intent. Even though it might seem like someone wants to take advantage of us, or make us feel bad, or push their own agenda, we might be wrong. Let’s try giving people the benefit of the doubt upfront, and we might find out there are more people on our side than we thought.
3. Give Just a Moment
Lots of people need someone to listen to them, even if it’s just for a moment. We’re always getting cornered at holiday parties, or on our way out of the office, or by someone whose story we’ve heard a thousand times. Instead of putting so much effort into giving hints that we don’t care (or pretending like we do care but don’t have time right now), maybe we can just be still, and listen. We don’t need to always be planning an exit strategy. Let’s just listen for a little longer than we normally would and see what happens.
4. Give ’Em a Break!
When someone screws up  I mean really screws up  we might feel justified in punishing them forever. But being angry doesn’t undo the hurt…it fuels it. So you have all the evidence on your side, and you are the innocent victim? Fine. But if someone wants our forgiveness, we can always work a little harder to find a way to give it to them. Even if they don’t want our forgiveness, and we’re sure they don’t deserve it anyway, our emotional baggage is lightened by offloading negative feelings. Maybe we don’t even have to tell the offender; it might be enough just to decide we’re going to abandon the grudge we’ve grown so attached to. And wouldn’t it be tragic if we wasted a bunch of energy being sad or mad over something the other person doesn’t even realize they did? It would be equally tragic if the person wanted to apologize but they’re too afraid to approach us. What if they’ve changed, but they’re sure we won’t believe them? Someone has forgiven us when we probably didn’t deserve it, so let’s consider giving a break to someone else and paying that forgiveness forward. (This one is big. This one is hard. But it’s got big payoff, too. And frankly, this one is a bigger gift to ourselves than it is to the other person.)
These are toughies for me, and maybe they are for you, too. Grand gestures can be fun and fulfilling, and they look good on paper, and they can make us feel pretty darn good about ourselves, thank you very much. It’s the little things that add up though, and for some of us, they’re the harder things to give. We’re the sum of all our actions, after all, not just the big actions. And we’re the sum of all our gifts, so we need to give what matters most.
What would you add to this list? I have more ideas, but I have to run out and buy a bunch of gift cards, so I figured I would leave the rest for you to do. Isn’t that generous? You’re welcome!
True giving is bestowing what is hard and necessary to give. Great reminder of what is really important these holidays.
Loved it! Such an important message, I will be sharing with my family at dinner tonight and with my FB friends.
Great piece, Rachel! I especially love how you summed up at the end, “We are the sum of all our actions, after all, not just the big actions,” – in that one little statement, you have given us the “secret” of success at work, at relationships, and ultimately, in life.
loved the post Rachel, here’s my add;….#5 Give a little bit of your heart. When we do, it is always good. And the funny thing is when we lose a piece of our hearts, it ends up getting bigger, not smaller, go figure.
Reminds me of how consumerism has taken over what is really important. Thanks for writing this.
Gifts of character benefit the giver and recipient, and character gifts make our world a better place for all. Thank you, Rachel, for your timely encouragement.
Thank you for the comments!
Dee, Lisa, and Bronwyn: Yes, “importance” is certainly a theme here. They say it’s the thought that counts, and I really think it’s more important–yet infinitely harder, at least for me–to give these gifts. They don’t cost money, but they cost ego, pride, patience, compassion….buying a gift card is a piece of cake comparatively speaking!
Indresh: I hadn’t realized that one line was particularly powerful until you pointed it out. Thank you for that.
Michelle and Lori: You’re right about the payoff for your aptly-put #5. Maybe I’m wrong about what these gifts “cost,” but I know it is hard to give these things, at least in the moment. Your perspective is absolutely spot-on. And this may be a timely message, but I could certainly use a reminder…oh, let’s say…daily? Yep, daily!
Thanks for sharing!!
Awesome article!
We seem to have gotten into a routine where it is almost a sub conscious thing to give gifts, birthday, so we give a gift, anniversary, so we give a gift, Christmas, so we give a gift, charity so we give a gift (money/time).. but rarely do we actually think about why we give them.. are we saying: ‘here is a gift because it represents how I feel about you and the impact you have had on my (or someone else’s) life and I am thankful that you are in it’? Or are we thinking ‘OMG what am I going to buy? I have to give something’ because it’s the thing everyone does?
If we thought more about why we are giving, I mean really thought about it, it would be a start.
The four ‘Gives’ are a great starting point, sometimes it is about giving of yourself, your time, your spirit, your forgiveness, your full undivided attention…
Great post Rachel, and great timing.
This was a great article! I need to work on #2 and #4— Thank you for this… it was definitely a wake-up call for me. Sometimes we find ourselves too busy planning a gift list that we forget the valuable things that do matter and that can make a person very happy. I’ll give it a rest!
Happy Holidays!
great article – thx for sharing such great “giving” tips in a season when most people are all too focused on getting!
I love the blog! Very witty and thought provoking.
Denise, Guillermo, Linda, and Ledia…thanks for the positive feedback. You are giving ME something!
Judith, yes, #4 is a toughie. I’m glad this inspired you–a wake-up call is humbling, but worthwhile!
Coach Giorgio, you are SO right. I didn’t really even get into the motivation we have for each giving situation. I am sure I’m not alone in saying that it would be revealing to look deep inside for my REAL motivators. I know that easy giving is, well, easy. But if we start thinking about the things you alluded to, like habit, custom, obligation…we might be shocked to find that very little of our giving comes from a terribly altruistic place. This is something I would like to work on for myself and for those I love…but it takes some guts to get that introspection.
Thank you all for the great thoughts on this.
Those are all such important gifts; I’d choose to receive any one of them over a gift card any day. They are such simple ideas on paper, but giving them is often difficult. Like you mention in #4, if we are able to humble ourselves enough to offer any one of these as a gift, it’s really a bigger gift to ourselves.
Definitely one of those articles that makes me want to take a long hard look in the mirror. Very well put! Giving isn’t always easy, but when doing so for genuine reasons, the “giver” often receives more than the intended “receiver”. This is my first year teaching and it happens to be in an under privileged neighborhood of our community. It is amazing what 23 8 and 9 year old kids have taught me about giving, without even knowing it.
This is a fantastic article.. One of the greatest lessons I learned from my parents is to give without ever expecting anything in return from the receiver. If it is a gift to the needy, then give anonymously. The reward is from God. If it is a gift to family or friends, same principle applies. Give selflessly, and the reward is from God.
Excellent article! And also a good reminder of what the Christmas holidays are about.
Great piece Rachel,really enjoyed it and made me think aswell! Well done:-)
Enjoyed this article Rachel, it was very timely for me as I was putting together my list of all those I still need to “get something for” it made me pause and think about things a bit differently. I appreciate your insight.
Rachel,
You are a great writer. So easy to read, and thought provoking as well.
The wonderful thing is that the 4 gifts can be given by anyone at any time. It crosses all lines of distinction – socio economic, race, gender, religion, etc. and makes the world of those it touches that much sweeter. And there is no limit to how many times they can be given as the giving of them actually increases the probability of their frequency.
Rachel your heart really comes through and your wonderful personality. Look out world, here comes an honest voice to kick your butt into gear.
Nice read Rachel. It is our everyday countenance every day that can help in a service way:) not only is a smile free, but it is the gift that keeps giving.
I am humbled by the kind comments…thank you. That is a gift to me. It occurs to me that so many of you are setting a fine example of generosity. I can’t help but wonder if writing this piece was really the biggest lesson for ME. I hope to inspire people, but I learned as a high school instructor that the teacher really learns more than the students, so maybe the writer learns more than the reader, too!
Very refreshing take Rachel! Thanks for holding the mirror up without the judgement.
Great article Rachel, it was enjoyable to finally read a piece of writing of yours (especially after all your stories from your teaching days). Very witty as expected!
Great article Rachel, gives us all a lot to think about, not just at Christmas but all year round.
I think that for me personally, giving the benefit of the doubt is the hardest. I automatically think people want something from me, whether it’s time, money, or my muscle (for moving). I’ve tried recently to give the benefit of the doubt when people contact me after prolonged periods of time, thinking they want to use me, and usually they don’t. The most interesting thing about this is that it made me really think about how often I call someone if I don’t need something. Really, how hard is it just to pick up the phone to say “Hello”? I suppose this is yet another item to add to my list of things to work on.
This really spoke to me. Thanks.