Posted on July 11, 2011 by Hadley Earabino

You know you need to move on, but you can’t stop yourself from checking your email. Or your text messages. Or your voicemail. You keep looking for any sign that he’s* still interested in having a relationship with you. Facebook is off-limits, so you’ve been reading books like “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and watching shows like “The Bachelor” and “Millionaire Matchmaker,” hoping it will lead to Enlightenment. You have become obsessed. It’s just SO not fun anymore.

Romantic obsession is about as nice as lemon juice on a paper cut. What was once bright and hopeful – Oh, the thought of you! …  is now freshly-squeezed torture.

In my experience as a relationship coach, the ex falls into one of four categories: Unavailable, Over It, Terrified, or Unmedicated. The first two are hopeless. The second two are painful.

HE’S UNAVAILABLE. If he’s married, gay, dead or incarcerated, he’s officially unavailable. In this case, we usually work on seeing the reality of the situation, and find a way to grieve productively.

HE’S OVER IT. This usually feels very different from the other kinds of break-ups. There’s no drama. The tension is gone. There is a peace about it. In this case, he has moved on, and I would recommend grieving loudly and openly, Italian-funeral style.

HE’S TERRIFIED. If he’s a commitment-phobe, sometimes he will come around if you get on with your life. It may take months of no-contact, but I’ve seen a guy show up with an engagement ring after a season or two to think about things.

HE’S UNMEDICATED. If he needs to be treated for depression, ADHD, or a mood disorder, this will need to change before a reconciliation makes any progress … but there is hope.

You’ll notice that none of these scenarios involve you changing him, but changing the way you think, and therefore the way you relate to him. In all cases, grief-work combined with lots of self-care can yield amazing results. (You’ll look just like Jennifer Anniston, I swear!) In my experience, reality is a whole lot kinder than we give it credit for, and we are way more desirable when we aren’t desperate. When you adore yourself, others adore you more. It’s that simple.

But sometimes it helps to have someone in your corner, ready with a glass of lemonade.

*(this goes for any gender)