Posted on June 21, 2011 by Frank Brogni, ACC, CPC

In my last two blogs I have discussed the importance of having integrity and honor with all the agreements, promises, vows, and contracts we commit to.  In his book entitled, “The Four Agreements,” Don Miguel Ruiz, declares the number one agreement you should make with yourself is, “Be Impeccable with Your Word.”

He says, “The word is a force; it is the power you have to communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.  The word is the most powerful tool you have, but like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.  One edge of the sword is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell.  The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only creates beauty, love, and heaven on earth.” Is your word your bond?

Formal agreements such as Mortgages, Construction, and Partnerships are always written out and include both details of performance and consequences for lack of performance; however, what about those everyday agreements that are more informal?  What is the process that will assure successful fulfillment and support harmonious outcomes?  Let’s look into the ingredients used to set up a powerful agreement that works all the time.

They are:

1. Clearly state what’s wanted or desired
2. Ask questions and invite discussions for clarity
3. Determine the time required and how to measure completion
4. Make eye contact and restate the request while asking for agreement
5. Acknowledge the effort upon successful completion

Let’s review them one at a time.

Clearly state what’s wanted or desired: All individuals communicate best when they see what you mean, hear what you mean, touch what you mean, or a combination of these methods.  It is important that you recognize what is the best way to communicate your desire.  For example, with a teenager who is very linear or literal in their processing of information, we would say something like this:  “Son, while I am gone would you be willing to straighten out the garage?  I would like you to wipe off the lawn equipment and put them away neatly, remove all the trash to the bins, and sweep and hose down the floor before I return, can I count on you to accomplish that?”

Ask questions and invite discussion for clarity: “This will be very helpful to me; do you have any questions about the task?  Can you picture the completed project?

Determine the time required and how to measure completion: I will be gone about one and half hours; can you accomplish the job by then?  You know the quality I’m looking for, shined, swept, and orderly…can you get it done?

Make eye contact and restate the request while asking for agreement: Okay, you are going to wipe off the lawn equipment then put them away, remove all the trash, and sweep and hose down the floor by the time I return from my errands (while looking him in the eye, ask) are we in agreement? (Wait for an audible response, not a head nod).

Acknowledge effort upon successful completion: I knew I could count on you!  You did a great job, and I see that you also straightened up the tools on my bench and put the bikes on their hooks. Wow!  Is there anything else you did that I didn’t notice? Thanks for the extra effort.

Making eye contact during each step of this process cannot be overemphasized.  Eye contact trips a switch in the brain and confirms contact has been made.  Do not expect success if you are doing a “drive-by” agreement like, “Hey son, I’m heading out to get some chores done, do me a favor, and clean the garage while its empty, okay?  See you in a little while”.  You are setting yourself up for disappointment and a possible argument.

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Look for the concluding article about how to set up agreements that work from Frank Brogni, ACC, CPC, family relations coach and co-founder of World Class Parenting, where we believe that from the boardroom to the bedroom, from the lunch table to the kitchen table, it’s all the same  (www.worldclassparenting.com).