Posted on May 26, 2011 by Levya Braman
‘What does it mean to love yourself?’ is a question I’ve been asked numerous times; somehow our society has confused and convoluted the answer to a very basic question.
I first need to explain what loving yourself means, then why it’s important to living a happy life.
What does it mean to love yourself ? It means…
- you treat yourself kindly and with respect. This includes positive and encouraging self-talk (how you talk to yourself in your mind). Calling yourself names or demeaning your character are not demonstrations of love.
- you are honest with yourself; you have personal awareness about your strengths and weaker areas
- you live authentically, not pretending, being real about who you are and what you like
- you keep your word to yourself and do what you say you will do (keeping commitments and promises), you follow through
Loving yourself is not:
- being narcisitic – bragging, exaggerating, using others, or being arrogant
- being totally preoccupied with your own wants and needs while being unaware of others’ around you
Why is loving yourself important?
It’s important because it means you’re using your life energy positively and your life will flow. If you struggle against yourself, you will experience inner turmoil, which is exhausting. You’ll often feel fatigued and unexcited about your life. You could be using that same amount of energy to bring people and activities into your life that bring you joy and happiness.
The consequences of not loving yourself
When you fail to love yourself it impacts how you live your life. You will most likely …
- be overly critical of yourself, causing you to feel like you’re not good enough
- be unhappy but unable to pinpoint why
- be unable to trust your instincts
You might think that this is something you can hide, that others won’t find out, or that it won’t hurt anyone but you. Wrong. Not loving yourself will also impact others because if you don’t like and respect yourself you will:
- be more apt to judge and be overly critical of others too
- have a tendency to go overboard trying to get others to like you
- have a difficult time maintaining relationships with others
Are you up to a challenge?
As your coach, I’d like to leave you with some homework or a challenge. This month I want you to notice how you treat yourself (both your in thoughts and actions). Are you cutting yourself down or building yourself up? Are you treating yourself with kindness and respect?
If you want your life to be less stressful, begin with ridding yourself of inner turmoil. Stop the inner conflict and allow yourself to feel loved.
If this is an area that’s difficult for you, I can help you learn to love yourself; I hope you will contact me.
At least one researcher (Kristen Neff) calls this concept of “loving yourself” self-compassion. I read a pretty interesting article that compares self-esteem with self-compassion. The bottom line is that in a society that encourages healthy self-esteem, we may want to consider valuing self-compassion more. Read it for yourself and let me know what you think. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem
Stephan –
Thank you for your comments and for leaving the link to Neff’s book excerpt. She has some very good points; I like her point of view. In the end, being kinder to our selves and each other is so important; mankind would benefit greatly if we all could evolve to that level of awareness.
This piece really hit home for me. almost all the examples related to me. Everyone always tells me to love myself and I never knew how. I was tired, confused, and unhappy for a long time. After reading this I feel like I have a game plan to change my life.. Thank you for inspiring me to make a change.
That is so great to hear Tally! Working on your foundation will set the stage for a lifetime of being nice to yourself. 🙂