Posted on February 24, 2011 by Deah Curry PhD, CPC

Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Can you not rest until everyone else around you is fed, conflict-free, healed, and happy?

Sometimes it’s hard to see ourselves in this role. Often the signs are subtle, and masked as being a “good” parent, good daughter, good neighbor.  More days than not, we might be found in these activities:

• adding a neighbor’s errands to your own, to “help out”
• lending cash to a friend, to “tide them over”
• never buying your favorite foods because your husband doesn’t like them
• wearing yourself thin with volunteer work because they praise how indispensable you are to the cause
• swallowing your preferences and opinions to “keep the peace”

If any of this sounds like you, I have two important questions for you — when is it your turn? and who takes care of you?

Many of my generational peers were taught that pleasing others should be the main goal of our lives. We were led to expect it to bring us extreme happiness, if not heavenly brownie points.

Even in the active feminist era, when it appeared that taking our power and achieving equality meant caring only about ourselves, many of us never let go of the guilt that came with doing so. Those early indoctrinations by our Leave It To Beaver mothers were well ingrained.

And now, here you are at mid-life — worn out, ticked off, wanting more for yourself, and unsure where to start.

Here are some coaching suggestions for you:

1.  Think of yourself as your own best friend, or as  two people at once: the wise older self and the novice younger self.

2.  Give this aspect of yourself a separate name so she becomes real and valued to you.

3.  Make all your decisions about how you spend your energy according to what your best self-friend or younger self needs.

4.  Prioritize your time and resources to give first to your best self-friend / younger self before your day gets consumed with others (yes, even including kids and spouses and your mother). Make appointments with her, and keep them no matter what.

5.  Strengthen your resistance to being The Answer for everyone else’s needs. Remember that the more you do for others, the more it robs them of the skills of self-sufficiency.

6.  Practice saying No, and having a preference, even if it’s for paper instead of plastic. Own your right to have things the way you’d like them to be, for a change.

If this is harder for you than it sounds, if you keep giving in when you don’t want to, it may be time for coaching.

I’d recommend trying out these self-coaching suggestions on your own for a month, and if you aren’t pleasing yourself as much as others yet, put yourself on a more focused plan with an experienced coach.