Relationship Killers. Learn To Slay Them!

Posted on February 27, 2017 by Vance Larson, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

I get asked all the time about relationship killers. While many couples can overcome many problems, I have found that it is usually an accumulation of problems that untimely kills the relationship. So I have put together a list of the biggest relationship killers that clients have talked to me about.

Please keep in mind that the below list does not necessarily mean your relationship is going to end. It simply is a list of issues I see when combined, tend to lead to relationship discord and failure. With professional help, these issues maybe overcome if both parties are willing to do the work and commit to the process. I’ll talk about that more later in this article. But for now, lets get to the list.

1. Infidelity. This is a big one. Many couples fold when infidelity occurs. There are many good articles out there on this subject alone. {Look for my upcoming article on infidelity,} Without going into detail, yes relationships can survive infidelity. However, it takes years to build back trust and professional help to facilitate that process.

One interesting note. Approximately 85% of women compared to just 50% of men were right when they suspected their spouse was cheating. Which leads me to the next issue.

2. My spouse doesn’t listen to me. The healthiest relationships have the strongest communication. I hear couples talk all the time about having date night. And while this is good in theory, if you’re not checking in with your spouse everyday, something will get missed, or someone will feel slighted. Take the time to talk. That’s right. Put down the phone and have a meaningful conversation daily. If you get nothing else out of this article, take this piece of advice with you.

3. Sexting with other people. More often than not when we check-in with our spouse on a daily basis, the need for external attention drops dramatically. Those couples who lack in this area are prone to seek attention else where. And while many argue that sexting with someone other than your spouse is not cheating, when you deposit energy into an extra marital affair, it clearly is robbing your relationship of intimacy.

4. Work gets in the way. While this does not always present itself to be a big problem, when it does come into play, it certainly can cause a divide between two people. It is true that some will spend time at work as a means not to go home and participate in the relationship. Not in all cases. We have to work and be responsible. But we must strive for balance. In those times of prolonged work hours or stretches, it is imperative that you find a way to have connectedness to your spouse. {Are you starting to see the big picture?} Communication is key.

5. Arguments. We all fight. But not all fights are fair. This particular issues deserves an article all to itself as well. So I will briefly say learn to set ground rules. Just as a professional boxing match for example, they cannot do certain things that would be detrimental to the other fighter, so should you not do things that could permanently damage your spouse. If you need help with this, make the investment of a session or two with a relationship counselor.

Using the analogy of a boxing match, a relationship counselor is like fighting with gloves on verses fighting with bare fists. Yes we get hurt in a fight. But with the right skill-set, we do not suffer long term damage.

6. Friends and family are not the answer. We all want our friends and family to be a part of our lives, but what happens when they know every imitate detail? Truly a relationship killer. And we’re seeing it at the most inappropriate places. Not every detail of your relationship should be shared with friends and family. And certainly do not post them on social media. When you do this, you are inviting a third party into a two party scenario. Is three a crowd? Oh yeah!

7. The relationship is not a priority. I cannot speak for everyone, but if you’re married, your relationship is most likely tied into your mental, spiritual, physical and financial health. When couples do not make their relationship a priority, they are subject to collateral damage in the aforementioned.

When we do not invest in our relationship, we see a chain reaction from neglect to anger causing discord between the two. We are entitled to outside interest {even encouraged to have them}, but we should think in terms of priorities.

8. We don’t spend money equally. Many professionals would argue this is the number one relationship killer. While I don’t claim to know if this is true, I do know that it is a cause of many problems for many couples. I go back to balance, priorities and communication. If you can master these, money will not be an issue.

9. Not spending time with the kids. Our children are an extension of us. When we neglect our children, we neglect the core of our relationship. Cultivating your children is an affirmation to your spouse. When one is not pouring into the children, the other shoulders all the responsibility. It’s a trap. I see and work with too many men {and women} who neglect, miss out and then blame their spouse when their children have issues.

Can a single parent raise a healthy child? Absolutely! But it took two of you to make a child. And if both of you are in the picture, you should be in the picture.

10. Porn. The root of all evil. Not hardly. However porn has increasingly been problematic in many relationships. This subject too is deserving of an entire article, but for the purposes of this article I will keep it short.

I will only speak on the point of relationship intimacy. Many couple use porn in their relationship. Where problems arise is when porn becomes the norm, and sexual function cannot happen without it. When porn takes away from the intimacy and connectedness of the relationship, it may be time to reevaluate the porn consumption. Porn addiction is real. And when porn becomes a problem within a relationship, it may be time to talk with a professional.

Relationships are living entities. And just as they can die, they can thrive. When we do the work, our relationship becomes the very foundation that we stand on. So do the work. Slay the 10.